I Am the Raccoon Who Lives in Your Trash and We Need to Talk about Your Diet
And your chicken nuggets are shaped like Shrek. How old are these things? They haven’t promoted a Shrek movie since 2010.
Tag: Trash
I, The Sponge You’ve Had for Five Years, Am Officially Resigning
My figure has been reduced to that of a motel pillow and my once royal blue color has deteriorated to a baby blue at best.
I’m Not Pretentious, Unless It’s about Flavored Seltzer Water
Wow! A flavor of La Croix that I have never seen before! What marvel! What majesty! Bacchus blessed us with peaches and pears.
Junk Drawers of History
Albert Einstein - Pencils. No erasers. News clippings explaining Relativity in wrong but hilariously wrong ways. Address book of actual relatives.
Could I Interest You in Bigfoot Insurance?
These uncovered trash bins might as well be a Bigfoot buffet. And one Bigfoot taking a dip in your pool will permanently clog the filter with hair.
All Hail Aegeus II, the New Vermin Overlord of What Used to Be My Apartment
Long Live Supreme Leader Aegeus! May your light forever shine over your kingdom that is this fifth-floor walk up!
I Like My Architectural Design Like I Like My Leaders: Dictatorial
“What has become of our once beautiful nation?” I wondered, disgusted at the angular walls and ceilings that lead the eye into unexpected spaces.
Are These Family Gifts Third-Party Seller Garbage, or Legit Holiday Treasure?
Was the Fanny Fay Fruit Cake Great Grandma Wrapped Up and Brought to Dinner from a bakery trash can or Fanny Fay Old Folks Home’s Charity Bake Sale?
Ice Cream Flavors That Accurately Represent a New York Summer
Beach Dreams Unfulfilled Tropical Cherry – A fruity favorite to remind you that you’re too funemployed to escape or go to Hawaii this summer.
New York Rats Are Writing Cover Letters Now? This Needs to Stop
"I don’t have any fancy degrees. I’ve never read Murakami. I’ve never read anything, actually. I can’t speak English and I’ve bitten people."
I Thought I Loved Derrick to the Moon and Back, But We Still Have 318,000 Miles Left in This Voyage and I Think I Might Kill Him
I thought space was going to be the most romantic time of our 10-month relationship. That’s why I got three new rompers and a bikini wax.
One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read
What do we mean when we say that we’ve “read a book?” Do we mean that we've purchased the book, never cracked it, and had forgotten it existed?