Advice From One Mad Scientist to Another: Don’t Open That Interdimensional Gateway
I’m not quite sure how to begin but I know too well how it ends: with tendrily monsters eating your loved ones.
Tag: Travel
New HGTV Shows That are Guaranteed Ratings Juggernauts
Fenrir and Sköll were raised by wolves in the New Mexico desert. Today, the feral sisters redesign homes for people who identify as animals.
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It, Is to Get My Stepson Keith to Stop Yelling “You’ve Got That Silly Putty Dick” at Me
You’re the best goddamned spy we’ve got in the service, but the day you TRULY become a spy is the day you get my stepson to show me some respect.
A Voicemail Greeting from a Person Who Hates Voicemails
It takes less than five seconds to read the average text message, while it takes more than 13 hours to listen to the average voicemail.
Fun Things to Do in the Big City If You’re a Douchebag
Steal a seat from a pregnant woman who was about to sit down, then pull out a copy of "Angels & Demons" and bury your head in it.
Open Letter from a White Gay
Did you assume it was easy for all of us to bleach our hair two months after coming out? No. But we all did it. Every single one of us.
I’m Scaling This Mountain With Nothing But Tincup Brand Whiskey in My Backpack for Authenticity’s Sake
It’s about putting yourself in the life-threatening, strenuous situations that past generations did their utmost to avoid and drank to forget.
Things to Do in Philadelphia That Don’t Involve Beating My Ass with a Big Hammer
The Philadelphia Museum of Art, somehow, contains a large painting of me having my ass beat with a hammer, wielded by a man who I have never met.
Five Predicaments Every Pensive Pipe Smoker Will Acknowledge As Familiar
What should have been a detailed account of how you navigated the labyrinth of deception and red herrings is forever tainted by an itchy throat.
Incredibly Rude Responses to Perfectly Reasonable Job Applications
Firstly, the phrase, “I know all the words to 'Space Oddity'” is not the best way to start off an application to NASA.
New Economy Seating Options at United Airlines
Our Economy Basic passengers are seated in a section of the plane teeming with luxury-hungry wolves, starving for cherished Basic ticket-holders.
Why Buy a New Car When You Can Still Cruise in Your High School Clunker?
Now I know smart car person phrases like, “you can tell the water pump is going out when you press the radio button and water squirts out.”