Love in the Time of Cutlery
“Hey gorgeous,” knife said to fork. That trim bastard put the cut in cutlery. “Weird night,” said knife. “I buttered some bread, and that was it."
Tag: Water
Even Though I Am an Astronaut Whose Mom Had to Pick Him Up Early From Space, I Still Deserve Respect
The worst part was that a local news team ran a story that the reason my mom picked me up was because I was scared.
Idiot Humans Love When AI Jumbles Up Words
The human appeared to be leaking water from its eyes while reading “Baby this is your back,” “All of our umbrellas are so in love,” & “Lose Your Ya!”
The Key to Success Here is Talking for Talking’s Sake
My advice is to ask her about her Fitbit as soon as possible, and then to make it a daily routine to inquire about her step count.
I’m a Cholesterol Molecule and I’m Sick of All This Fat Shaming
Doctors always say things like "watch that cholesterol." They are unwarrantedly suspicious and overtly vigilante over an entire group. It's profiling!
I Am a Horse and You Can Totally Put the Cart Before Me If You Want
Although, speaking of our actual bodies, you should absolutely look a gift horse in the mouth. You can tell a horse's age by looking at its teeth.
This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus
It rains all the time and sometimes floods, but it’s never awful, so it wouldn’t surprise me if our Heavenly Father said this purely to make a fuss.
I’m a 9-1-1 Operator Who Loves the Movie “Titanic”
With all due respect, let me tell you what an actual emergency is: when Rose’s necklace went missing and they blamed poor Jack for stealing it.
Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde
We don’t know if Trappist 1-h’s theoretical moons exist or not, but the motions of these maybe-moons are still going to fuck your shit up, Cancer.
Christopher Columbus Discovered Heaven
The only problem with Heaven is that it doesn’t last long, depending on how strong your beans are, and so the key is to keep drinking more of it.
I’m Trying to Be a Supportive Field Hand, But I’m Sick of Listening to the Farmer Complain About the Curse a Witch Put on His Land
Every day the farmer moans about how he’s worried he’ll have no crops to sell this year and won't be able to afford his mortgage, blah blah blah.
Mar-a-Lago Bath Bombs
Use the (Space) Force: Lavender, yuzu, and citrus form their own sixth military branch... mission: self-care!