Please Don’t Cover Your Abandoned Pandemic Garden During the Frost, We Just Want to Die
In hindsight, you probably should have spent more time tilling the ground than posting seductive selfies in your gardening hat, but that's okay.
Tag: Water
10 Tips to Get Him, a Climate Denier, to Notice You, a Deadly Cat 5 Hurricane
It may seem like the only offshore things he cares about are drilling and banking, but remember, you are a strong, sexy, SENTIENT storm.
Now That I’ve Started Using a Bidet, I Realize That My Butthole Is Never Where I Think It Is
Each time, I smugly think to myself, “I’m right on this time.” I am not right on. Not ever. It always seems to be further back than I think.
Termites and What Else to Expect on My Houseboat Airbnb
The smell is totally normal. Nothing’s leaking. A lot of boats smell like this. It could be all the eggs I’ve been eating lately.
Here’s What That Really Cool Puddle of Water in the Middle of the Street Says About Your Gullibility
Most People Are Able to Successfully Trick You Into Doing Something Stupid: Notice how the water in this puddle ripples when you blow on it.
Diary of the Maritime Voyage of Keith Riggle, Boater for Trump
I have been crewed to the Ba Ba Buoy, as fine a ship as exists. She is equipped with not only White Claw, but also Truly Hard Seltzer & Twisted Tea.
From the TweetDeck of Captain Blackbeard
I became captain on my own, no help from Ushkuiniks. / Poorly rated Captain Kidd speaking badly of me. Then how come he’s always ogling my ships!!
The Public Pool Is Closed Due to COVID-19 (And All the Other Nasty Shit We Found in Here)
No amount of social distancing would save you and your family from the terrifying bacterial grasps of our public pool.
Congratulations Caterpillar, In a Month You’ll Be Flying! But Your Mouth and Jaw Will Be Gone and You’ll Have a Long Skinny Horror Tube
Oh, and instead of those dozens of legs you’re used to, you’ll have six legs and there’ll be basically tongues on the end of each of them.
Take It from Me, a Surfer, the Second Wave Is Going to Be Gnar AF!
The economy took a crazy wipeout, my grandma got straight barrelled (shred in peace, G’ma) and we had to wear those goofy masks for like weeks.
Bodies of Water You Stared At as a Depressed Child
The above ground pool with leaves in it is a well-known suburban standard in which a sad kid’s eyes can get wistfully lost.
How to Enjoy the Park Now That the Pedal Boats Have Become Sentient
Some boats are still offering rides, but this is a scam. They don’t want money, they want to flip you into the water so they can laugh at you.