Parents, Unfortunately We Are Disbanding Our School’s Curling Team
Mr. Jensen has not won eight gold medals in curling. In fact, it’s unclear whether or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling before.
Tag: Weird
Yes, I Put Pineapple on My Pizza, Sue Me
What business is it of yours if I put mango in my risotto? Hm?
No Fair! Kevin Had His Growth Spurt and Now He’s 45 Feet Tall
Kevin’s voice sounds like Dad’s. Except it cracks walls and sets off car alarms, and also he accidentally stepped on a school bus.
What I Think People Will See When They Do My Background Check
We found out that for a whole six months of junior year you got really, really into Doctor Who and Sherlock. Like, fanfiction level.
Everything I Missed Out On While My Glasses Were Fogged Up
The “Seat Yourself” sign in a totally empty restaurant, so I stood awkwardly at the host stand for 15 minutes.
What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
Ok, Buddy, Now You’ve Really Gone and Done It
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
I’m the Adult in This Horror Movie and You Kids Better Not Be Doing Anything Supernatural in There
You’re young, your hormones are raging. All you want to do is figure out what the shadowy figure following you through mirrors is saying.
I’m the Man Who Gets Paid to Say “Tut Tut” Every Time You Think About Sex
Depending on how gross the thought is, I’ll either do a full “tut tut” or just a simple tongue cluck. It’s an art, really.
Easy Answers to Common Job Interview Questions for Anyone Who Was Saved by a Swamp Creature When They Were Nine
In five years I hope I can stop dwelling on the time when I was sucked into the thick swamp ooze only to be rescued by a creature of the night.
Weekly To-Don’t List
Monday: Put on the same underwear you wore yesterday. Mistake a wolf for your grandma.
My Metamorphosis into a Monstrous Vermin Went Pretty Great, Actually
“I know you mean well, Dad,” my sister said. “But these days, it’s considered more polite to say ‘enormous insect’ rather than ‘monstrous vermin’.”