Goddammit, I Think I Earnestly Like Everything I Claim to Like Ironically
I wasn’t just enjoying, but empathizing with contestants on The Bachelor. I shut it off and recollected my ironic self over a lukewarm Zima.
Tag: Weird
So You Wanted to Leave a Voicemail for Someone But They Picked Up the Phone
Drop your phone in the toilet: This makes you look cool, because every Millennial’s done it at least once in their aimless, self-serving lives.
I Resent the Placenta in My Freezer
I like the idea of burying it next to a tree. But since we can’t even keep the racoons and possums out of the compost bin, that’s not happening.
The Company-Wide Reply-All That Never Should Have Been
FROM: jhorton@corporationltd.com TO: ALL-EMPL@corporationltd.com SUBJECT: RE: test "Exactly what are you notifying us of? Everyone please stop replying-all."
My Breakouts Keep Taunting Me by Singing Blink-182’s “All the Small Things”
I noticed a small zit on my upper lip and could've sworn it had Tom DeLonge's whiny, edgy voice: "The night will go on, my little windmill..."
The Truth About Landing a Podcast Deal in Prison
The producers were convinced that my boyfriend Todd was the actual killer. Have you seen Todd? My little baby cousin is stronger than him.
Advice From One Mad Scientist to Another: Don’t Open That Interdimensional Gateway
I’m not quite sure how to begin but I know too well how it ends: with tendrily monsters eating your loved ones.
Unmailed Greeting Cards for My Therapist
Do you think I’m a nice person? Do you think I’m full of rage? Crap, I’m turning my apology into a plea for validation. I hate when I do that.
How to Not Kill Your Orchid, Again
Run circles around your orchid while making “buzzzzzz” sounds. An aroused orchid is an alive orchid.
I’m The Word “Moist” and I’m Tired of Everyone Always Cringing Around Me
I’m better off without you. You are so frustrating and judgmental. I have never done anything to wrong you, but yet, you still can’t stand me.
Why I Won’t Let My Son Sign Up For Pee-Wee Football
It’s a commitment, most football teams have several practices a week. As a single parent, I can’t make that work. Also my son is made of glass.
Excerpts from Tom DeLonge’s Next UFO Manifesto That are Definitely Not Pleas to Rejoin Blink-182
How could your bandmates of 13 rad-as-hell years up and replace you when all you requested was an indefinite break to go hunt aliens for a living?