Young Wizarding School Orientation Speech
Rest assured, students do not learn teleportation until their fourth year. We had some minor issues with spontaneous combustion in the past, which is why we pushed it back.
Tag: Witchcraft
How to Tell If Your Teen is on Drugs, Or Just the Dark Harbinger of Legend
Sure, you may be worried your teen has succumbed to the latest drug craze, but it's also likely he's just the apocalyptic repayment for centuries of evil and injustice.
I Used to Be Materialistic, Then I Got This Buddha Statue
I can't help but be ashamed of how materialistic I used to be. I guess I should just be happy that buying this Buddha statue on Amazon made me the person I am today.
Congratulations! Your Application to Join My Cult Was Successful
Cults get a bad rap these days, but they're actually pretty fun once you get used to the smell... and me, I'm always around.
“Meet Cute” Moments Ruined By Ghosts
Boy meets girl and it's love at first sight. They both go to grab the same latte, but they can't because their barista has been DEAD FOR THE PAST SIXTEEN YEARS.
Can You Escape the Footnotes of This Article?
Only those with great strength [1], wit [2], and magick [3] will navigate these footnotes [4] successfully. Can you find safe passage to the Citadel of Footnotes [5]?
I Found Love at Darren G.’s Radioactive Wasteland, Southern New Jersey’s #4 Haunted Attraction
For me, a guy with mainstream sexual compulsions, the love of my life showed up where I least expected it: inside a rusty dumpster loaded with 1,000 gallons of syrupy green goo.
Not Such a Bad Guy: Steve Bannon Holds a Beautiful Vigil for Every Puppy He Kills
For every young gazelle killed by a lion for food, a puppy, too, must also be sacrificially exsanguinated by Steve Bannon to the Dark King of Babylon.
An Open Letter to My Niece About Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived to Kill
While it may not make for polite conversation on Christmas morning, it’s important nonetheless that you understand, Harry Potter is a degenerate psychopath.
Ask Dracula Anything
Hello, it is me, your unholy host! I am here to answer the questions of the living, the dead, and the undead. Call in now while the moon is still full and the sun is yet to rise…
I’m Positive My Origin Story Means I’m Going to Be a Wizard Anytime Now
The postage wouldn’t stop coming and my uncle moved us into a motel, but the wizarding world still found me.
13 Signs Jerry Jones Formed a Pact with Satan
Something extremely odd and unsettling happened with the Cowboys this year. We all know what, but the question is "HOW??"