A Room-By-Room Explanation of Why You’re Paranoid and I’m Not Cheating
Is it really necessary to go through the garbage can? Yes, I see the notes you’ve found. They’re also from my mother.
Tag: Women
Things That I Cannot Do as a Woman in a Movie Whose Major Personality Traits Are That I’m Incredibly Petite and a Man is in Love With Me
Me, get into bed on my own? No, I simply must be picked up and tossed like a doll before unleashing these surprisingly-supple breasts!
This Shapely Perfume Bottle is Hotter Than Me
Yet another advantage she has over me and my perpetually degrading corporeal being that needs stupid shit like food and water and exercise and love.
Is Kirsten Gillibrand Likeable, Tough, Driven, Soapy, and Metallic Enough? Or Is She Too Glittering, Muscular, Serpentine, and Tangy?
I harbor serious doubts whether Gillibrand has the fortitude, charisma, hunkiness, and vertical leap necessary to win the electoral college.
This Year’s Best Picture Nominees Ranked by How Much My Son Resents My New Girlfriend
When my girlfriend tried to talk with my son, he kept referring to her as “replacement mommy” while jumping up and down pretending to be Peter Rabbit.
The Galentine’s Day Massacre
Authorities surveying the emotional carnage claimed they had never before seen such an outpouring of weaponized kindness and aggressive friendship.
It’s Me, Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate, Here to Critique These Lefty Ladies Before I Deign to Enter the Race
Now, believe me, no one respects #MeToo more than Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate. I respect it so much that I’ll say it’s gone too far.
My 2019 Resolutions According to Things Men Said to Me in 2018
“You should smile more” – To remedy my resting bitch face, I am going to pull my lips apart with duct tape so that I will have a permanent smile.
It’s Me, the Female Protagonist in a Television Melodrama, and No, I Don’t Think My Estranged Father is Here to Con Me
I arrived home to my apartment, fresh groceries in hand (despite the fact that I am never seen cooking, talking about food, or eating).
Maybe She’s Born With It. Maybe…
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she reads the whole New Yorker article instead of giving up after the third paragraph like some people I could mention.
Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling
Going for a Chaperoned Walk: Change this to a Chaperoned Bike Ride. I build fixed-gear bikes for disadvantaged seeing-eye dogs in my spare time.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone
"Learn The Job Beef Chili" -- I only make this dish when I’m trying to displease people on both sides.