Me, get into bed on my own? No, I simply must be picked up and tossed like a doll before unleashing these surprisingly-supple breasts!
Yet another advantage she has over me and my perpetually degrading corporeal being that needs stupid shit like food and water and exercise and love.
I harbor serious doubts whether Gillibrand has the fortitude, charisma, hunkiness, and vertical leap necessary to win the electoral college.
When my girlfriend tried to talk with my son, he kept referring to her as “replacement mommy” while jumping up and down pretending to be Peter Rabbit.
Authorities surveying the emotional carnage claimed they had never before seen such an outpouring of weaponized kindness and aggressive friendship.
Now, believe me, no one respects #MeToo more than Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate. I respect it so much that I’ll say it’s gone too far.
“You should smile more” --- To remedy my resting bitch face, I am going to pull my lips apart with duct tape so that I will have a permanent smile.
I arrived home to my apartment, fresh groceries in hand (despite the fact that I am never seen cooking, talking about food, or eating).
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she reads the whole New Yorker article instead of giving up after the third paragraph like some people I could mention.
Going for a Chaperoned Walk: Change this to a Chaperoned Bike Ride. I build fixed-gear bikes for disadvantaged seeing-eye dogs in my spare time.
"Learn The Job Beef Chili" -- I only make this dish when I’m trying to displease people on both sides.
Is there any way to make the heartburn shoot actual flames out of our mouths? That would be a nice party trick.