Everything I Have Fantasized About Doing If I Ever Finish “Infinite Jest”
15. Regretting having wasted time and energy on what was pretty much what you would expect a 1,079-page novel written by a white guy in 1996 to be.
Tag: Writing
Thank You for Rescuing Me From This Trash Can I’ve Stuffed Myself Into to Write a Novel
Imagine a book written entirely in uncomfortable places with completely unconventional materials. Genius, isn’t it?
What Your Zodiac Sign Says About Your Cheese Compatibility
Sagittarius: Relishes in cheeses collected from their travels around the world
Your Submission “My Thoughts on Politics” Has Been Declined
In conclusion, communism doesn’t work in practice, please don’t hurt my family, keep it under 1,000 words.
Preparing Your Obituary
Give them a single tantalizing tidbit such as, “Bernice had many secrets, one of which involved a prominent member of Congress from Wisconsin."
The Complete “Skeleton” Film Franchise
Skeleton: Awakening (Note on the musical score) “I don’t think the nipples would change the xylophone tone in that way.”
God Tries to Figure Out the Plot Holes in the Bible
[God's pen is paused above the passage where Noah gets all fat and is lying drunk in a tent after surviving the flood.] ANGEL: Water balloon fight?
As a Writer, I Am the Most Important Person in This Relationship and on Earth
Did it even occur to me to check in with my dad after his heart surgery? No, because that would have meant shutting the door on the Muse, and that is just selfish.
My Ex-Wife Married The Prince of England
Ok, ciao, diary. I bet Prince-Whatever-The-Fuck-His-Name, with his funny little Prince accent doesn't even know about “ciao.” That’s Hollywood, baby.
God Sends Hate Mail to Mike Pence
As a result of that whole "free will" blunder, any direct divine intervention is off the table. We did, however, agree to a compromise arrangement.
I’m the Sharp-Toothed Snail Shel Silverstein Warned You About and I’d Like to Set the Record Straight
I’m so glad to get this off my shell. It’s been a weight no snail should have to bear.
It Takes More Muscles to Frown Than to Smile, and Even More Muscles to Lift This Vending Machine Off Me
I’d be willing to bet it takes dozens of muscles in the arms, legs, and torso to lift this soda machine off of my shattered body.