As a Writer, I Am the Most Important Person in This Relationship and on Earth
Did it even occur to me to check in with my dad after his heart surgery? No, because that would have meant shutting the door on the Muse, and that is just selfish.
Tag: Writing
My Ex-Wife Married The Prince of England
Ok, ciao, diary. I bet Prince-Whatever-The-Fuck-His-Name, with his funny little Prince accent doesn't even know about “ciao.” That’s Hollywood, baby.
God Sends Hate Mail to Mike Pence
As a result of that whole "free will" blunder, any direct divine intervention is off the table. We did, however, agree to a compromise arrangement.
I’m the Sharp-Toothed Snail Shel Silverstein Warned You About and I’d Like to Set the Record Straight
I’m so glad to get this off my shell. It’s been a weight no snail should have to bear.
It Takes More Muscles to Frown Than to Smile, and Even More Muscles to Lift This Vending Machine Off Me
I’d be willing to bet it takes dozens of muscles in the arms, legs, and torso to lift this soda machine off of my shattered body.
Thoreau’s Walden, 200 Years Later
The question is not what you look at, but what you see; and not just what you see, but what is on your Netflix “Recently Watched” list.
I Know, I Know, I’m the Last Roman in the Republic Who Hasn’t Seen the New Gladiator Show
Hark, I get it. Carpophorus is reinventing the very genre of public violence. I just don’t have time to get into the King of Beasts right now, okay?
Unmailed Greeting Cards for My Therapist
Do you think I’m a nice person? Do you think I’m full of rage? Crap, I’m turning my apology into a plea for validation. I hate when I do that.
Open Letter from a White Gay
Did you assume it was easy for all of us to bleach our hair two months after coming out? No. But we all did it. Every single one of us.
How to Have the Perfect Hollywood Meeting
Other topics conversation should focus on famous people you’ve worked with or in relative proximity to, and how long it took to get to the meeting.
I’m The Word “Moist” and I’m Tired of Everyone Always Cringing Around Me
I’m better off without you. You are so frustrating and judgmental. I have never done anything to wrong you, but yet, you still can’t stand me.
Shakespeare Final Exam Written By an English Professor in the Middle of a Raging Divorce
2. How does Iago describe jealousy? "The green-eyed monster" or "Our neighbor Brad's stupid, big muscles?"