I’m on a Diet (Against Everything I Stand For)
There are three things I really hate in life: making unprotected left hand turns, Dr. Meredith Grey, and diets. But I guess I have to do all three at some point.
Comedy Writing
Problems I Should Fix Before She Has Our Baby
You know what? I'm terrified of babies. To me, babies are like grenades: I appreciate grenades, I love grenades…but I'm a little nervous around them.
Romancing the Bone: A Lonely Love Story
Using the formula "Sex - Contraceptive = Baby," my wife and I began "trying to have a baby." But first, our little science project began with a semen analysis to gauge my potency.
Why Isn’t There Mexican Food Delivery?
If you think about it, Mexican delivery makes the most sense: you're already in loose-fitting clothing and you're already near your favorite bathroom.
Martin Stanley’s State of the Summer Address
I'm back in school. Again. School by the way drives me fucking insane. For instance, who the fuck names these buildings? 'And on the right is the Dennis Anderson Grave Digger Monster Truck Hall.' Oh neato!
Five Ways to Mess with Your Friends on Facebook, Part II
How far would you go to screw with your friends on Facebook? If you said steal your friend's identity and introduce their grandma to new sexual lingo, you're on the right track.
The 12 Types of Infantry Marines
Remember the Marines commercial with that asshole climbing mountains and shit, fighting dragons with a sword? Well that's a bunch of horse shit. Here's a look at the 'real' Marines.
Half Cuban, 100% White
I'm a halfie: my mother is Cuban and my father is American. I'm not brown, I'm not white… I'm fucking khaki. And it sucks. Here's why.
Five Ways to Mess with Your Friends on Facebook
There are many creative ways to have a little fun messing with your friends on Facebook. Here are five of my favorites, and the screenshots to prove just how much fun they've already been!
11 Things We Still Haven’t Figured Out Yet (and It’s Almost 2011)
Another year gone, and it amazes me how much shit we still haven’t figured out, given all the technology available today. From checkbooks and pizza delivery to cruise control and cell phones.
10 Things Real Men Do
Real men crap, scratch their balls, belch, and punch things when they get angry. They also fix things, and try to be environmentally friendly, by hardly ever doing a wash.
The Golden Rules of Facebook
'The most important document to emerge from a computer since The Golden Rules of Instant Messenger.' -Mark Zuckerberg, Founder and CEO of Facebook