Harold Bobbinsworth Longfellow XIV, Ph.D., is a Harvard educated film critic who is, to put it succinctly, better than you. Though talented and prolific in his career as a writer, the current set of Hollywood critics has shunned him, fearing his prodigious writing talent. Unfortunately, as a result, he is forced to share his brilliance on a third rate internet comedy site.

Longfellow begins and ends each day with one teaspoon of gin-soaked raisins and enjoys curling (a sport as unappreciated as he), fine wine, proper MLA formatting, using obscure Latin phrases in his work, wearing a monocle, and many other things that someone of your boorish nature wouldn’t understand.