Hey, I won't be mad at ya if you peruse my comedy a bit. -Saying what you think you don't think. Paul Frank has written more comedy than your grandma's had periods. Paul Frank is a mystical creature like leprochauns, midgets, and MILFs. He lives solely on a diet of vodka, Hot Pockets, and milk-less cereal.

Comedy Writing

Justin Bieber is Herman Cain

All this news about molesting and sex and statutory rape is super fun. Of course I'm talking about Herman "Pizza Rape" Cain and Justin "Black in a Past Life" Bieber.

Taco Bell: Your New Stepdad

<p>Hi. Okay, so there's a new show on MTV called <em>Skins</em>. I haven't <strike>masturbated to</strike> seen it yet, but apparently it has teens doing lots of bad things. Like fucking each other and shit. Sounds hot. Sounds like something you'd eat Taco Bell and watch, right?</p>

Hey Egyptians

<p class="p1">What's good, Egyptians?! Sooo...looks like you've come a real long way since the pyramids, huh? Haha, settle down buddy, I'm just fuckin' with you man! </p><p class="p1">Seriously though, what are you guys doing later? Ya'll can come riot in my basement if you want. I asked my mom.</p>

My State of the Union

<p>Good morning, my fellow Americans. (<em>applause</em>) Today I stand before you a man ready to die for his country. (<em>applause</em>) I am willing (<em>applause</em>) to sacrifice my own life for the good of others. I pledge that I, Paul Barack Frank, will kill myself to make Progressive Insurance stop running their horribly unfunny and painfully awkward commercials.</p>

Areola Borealis

<p>There we were, just me and her, floating in space.</p><p>And she wouldn't even have sex with me.</p>

Please Help BP

<p>Late last month, there was a catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. An explosion in an offshore drilling operation killed several workers and now every second gallons upon gallons of oil are being shot off into the ocean. </p>

Someone’s Gotta Do It

<p>I slept in today. I didn't shower. I didn't shave. Then again, I don't have any facial hair. The only hair I have is the occasional stray from Miss Latifah's vagina. </p><p>Maybe I should start from the beginning.</p><p>Hi, I'm Queen Latifah's dildo. Or should I say, hi, I'm Queen Latifah's dildo, but I'm open to other projects. </p>

The Genitals of the Future

<p><em>Today I have for you some comedy sloppy seconds. I submitted a piece to the comedy website McSweeney's, but I guess it wasn't pseudo-intellectual enough or whatever. Here it is, you be the judge. </em></p><p><strong>The Genitals of the Future<br />by Paul Frank</strong></p>

Suburban Boy Gets His First Job

<p><strong>SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLD, AFTERNOON</strong></p><p>SCOTT: Mom, can I borrow twenty dollars? I want to take Cindy to <em>Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince</em> and Dad hasn't paid me yet for mowing the—</p>

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