So I was doing some work today (read: thinking up clever ways to incorporate Paul Frank's name into my articles) when my new phone went buzz buzz in my pants. Normally, I don't keep it on vibrate because I don't like it when a cellular telephone is a better lover than I am, but today my thighs were feeling lonely, so I tossed them a bone.
It was an 866 number that I didn't recognize. And like I always do when I get a number I don't recognize, I picked up the phone with my sultriest how-do-you-do.
“Hi! This is some lady with the United States Armed Forces. We were happy to note that you had expressed interest in joining us and were anxious to get you more information…”
“I actually did not express interest in joining the army”.
She sounded legitimately disappointed that I didn't want to join the army at this point in my life. Which led to me realize that the United States is kinda screwed for any wars in the near future, considering it's going to have to send armies comprising people who think it's a good idea to join the army in the near future. She was a persistent little bugger though.
“Well, we got a card that had your information on it. So all you have to do is confirm this your contact info, and we can go ahead and get you some more information…”
“But…I don't want to join the army.” My distaste for personal involvement in warfare transcends snappy fliers; I don't care how well they inspired focus groups.
“Well, I'm not actually a recruiter. I just need your information so I can pass it on to recruiter, who will then get in contact with you about joining the army.”
I was legitimately confused at this point. Was I somehow accidentally saying that I wanted more information on joining the United States Armed Forces? Was I being subjected to some sort of Jedi Mind Trick? Did this work on anybody else?”
Lady: “Hi! I'm calling from the United States Armed Services! We got your information and are pleased to find out that you're interested in joining!”
Paul Frank: “I'm not interested. I weigh less than Kate Moss.”
Lady: “So since you're interested, I'm just going to send you some information.”
Paul Frank: “Sounds good.”
At this point, I really couldn't think of anything else to say. In retrospect, I should have just gave in and told her that I was just a big old homosexual, I did want information on the army, but only if it included pictures and a shower schedule, but I wasn't clever enough. Instead, I just told her (honestly) that now wasn't a good time, so she promised to call me back at a better one.
Wow, I hope that nobody from the United States Armed Forces reads this and drafts me out of spite. But then again, they don't have Google there, do they?
Labels: Army, Paul Frank