Greetings, Ladies and Gentlemen.
I cannot even describe how much of an honor it is that you have all decided to recognize my accomplishments this evening.
First and foremost, I wish to say that I have long had an intense yearning for my writing to affect the souls and spirits of readers around the world. A long time ago, I began to recognize that I had a God-given talent for reaching out to people with my words and enlightening them. I began to dream that someday I would be able to inspire international audiences with my creativity. This was the dream I had in mind. It was my heart's desire. This is the dream that fueled my passion when I spent all those laborious nights pouring my soul onto numerous, scattered papers beneath the weary lamp shade. So, it is with great relief and great pleasure that I stand here before you tonight.
I really must thank you, for it was the psychologically paralyzing experience of growing up around you fuckers that gave me motivation. But with all humility and respect, I must say that I have a confession to make. I cannot claim sole responsibility for the success of my work. Yes, you heard me correctly; I simply must acknowledge that I could not have reached this level of success on my own. The power and legacy of my writing has been inspired by the people I grew up with. It was the family, friends, neighbors, school classmates, church members, social acquaintances, work acquaintances, and all the other upstanding community members who played a part in weaving the very fabric of those special early years in my life.
Actually, dear members of the audience, the rest of this speech will be addressed specifically to these people, for I have many special things that I need to tell them.
To all of the people who helped me become what I am today, and to those who inspired the power of my writing, I would like to begin by saying…
SUCK MY DICK!!!
It's because of you bastards that I'm on stage right now.
I would have been a regular person and a functional part of your community, but NO!!! You motherfuckers can't handle anything different.
You know what your community motto ought to be? "ANYTHING OUTSIDE THE BOX GOES OUT THE DOOR."
Or better yet, here's a slogan with a baseball theme: "IF YA CAN'T HIT THE BALL, THEN HIT THE ROAD."
And here's a slogan that just plain tells the truth: "WE COMPLETELY SUCK…WE KNOW THAT…BUT WE LIKE IT THAT WAY…WE'RE NEVER GONNA CHANGE…AND THERE IS NO HOPE FOR US."
So I really must thank you, for it was the psychologically paralyzing experience of growing up around you fuckers that gave me the motivation to bring light to the rest of the world.
Painfully enduring your mandatory, meaningless, stupid fucking school and community activities gave me the knowledge to criticize the dysfunctional nature of society.
The cruel (and very carefully calculated) ways that you socially excluded me (simply because I was different) forced me to develop the power of introspection.
Surviving the damage created by your careless gossip and back-talking trained me to become resilient.
Having my reputation destroyed without any hope for repair taught me to express myself without caring what others think.
Enduring your treatment of me without committing suicide pushed me into a state of constant awareness of the dark side of human nature.
And finally….years and years of alcoholism, drug abuse, repressed memories, psychological counseling, and rehab sharpened both my writing skills and my insights, which helped my books become world famous.
Wait, I'm not finished…
Deep down, I had always hoped that there was some brilliant mathematical formula operating in the Universe that would eventually spit you rotten turds out of my life…like an accidental shit stain that had to be cleaned up and flushed down a cosmic toilet.
And now that I'm rich, successful, and loaded with cash….I finally have the financial power to cut you filthy, rotten cock-suckers out of my life forever.
I hope your lives are consistently plagued by economic problems, and I hope your spoiled, ugly, goddamn rotten children rebel against you and fuck you over repeatedly until you all DIE!!! And when you do die, I hope you die a painful and meaningless death in a second-rate hospital in a run-down neighborhood.
And when I'm in Heaven being caressed, fondled, and pleasured by angels with massive, beautiful breasts, I hope I always have the option of looking down and seeing all of you lick the Devil's testicles in the bowels of HELL. And don't bother praying to Jesus to get you out of it…I'M PRETTY SURE HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, EITHER!!!
So it is with great relief in my heart that I will never again have to look at the stupid, dull, empty expressions on all of your ugly, fucking faces. And finally…FINALLY…the horrid, wafting stench of your hopeless, crippled, and doomed personalities will no longer crush my spirit and make me question my desire to live.
So in closing… all I'd like to say is….
FUCK YOU PEOPLE!!!!