Don't look now, but the next time you see a rainbow, it may have gone Green. Riding record profits and a revamped public image, Green has announced a takeover bid that would drastically change the world of refraction. This news comes on the heels of last month's Blindigo merger. For years, the underappreciated middle child took its lumps in a never-ending game of elbow tag with ROY and BIV in the back seat of a gas-guzzling station wagon. No more. This jolly Green giant has gotten fat off the blubbery world of oil-alternatives and tree huggers and has taken the front seat, despite not calling shotty.
Along with the takeover news comes word that Kermit the Frog will be the preeminent voice of the campaign. "It's fucking great to be Green, baby," said Kermit. "I've pitched a lot of shit in my day, but this, this is special."
Of course, skeptics wonder if the frog was indeed the right choice. After all, this is the same beloved character that once convinced the world that it was not easy being Green, not to mention his previous rainbow connection. When asked about his change of position, the Frog explained, "I said all of that stuff at a time when I felt like I had to have a hand up my ass to say anything. Things are different now. I feel like I have grown a great deal and can finally say what's on my mind."
An artist's rendering of future girls' bedrooms.Other critics suggest that a pot of gold is enough to make any amphibious creature sing a different tune and that Kermit the Frog has finally sold out. Said Kermit, "You can't worry about naysayers and the polychromatic public. The reality is that Green is taking over the world and that's just fine with me."
The tentative takeover plan is to slowly weed out the other colors starting with Yellow and Blindigo in early 2009, with Green consuming the entire rainbow by the end of 2010.
The original rainbow, handcuffed by budget constraints, only showed its face at the rare intervals of simultaneous sun and rain. The capital-intensive hue, however, plans to expand the visibility of the rainbow to include all sunny days and even some not so sunny ones. "We have all of this money and no idea how to spend it so we are going to give back to the people that got us here."
Explained a Green representative: "No more boring and cloudless blue skies, we will make sure of that."