- Throw the whopping thirty-three dimes and two pennies I was just awarded up in the air and roll around on them. Rejoice! For I am now wealthy! What have I done to deserve such a vast amount of capital?!
- Add “new money” to my Instagram bio.
- Start waving the way the Royals do.
- Find my high school bullies on Facebook and message them all individually to alert them of my newfound financial status.
- Start looking down on those who are $3.32 poorer than I. Can you imagine….
- When prompted on a card machine to donate to charity, proudly click no and announce to the cashier that now that I got that sweet, sweet money I don’t “do charity….” Unless I get a tax break of course… because duh. I’m rich, not stupid.
- Pay a month's rent in 1958.
- Pay for four years of college at an accredited university in 1945.
- Make a down payment on a house in 1910.
- Buy an entire motherfucking town in 1885. Name it “Wells Fargo Town” in honor of the ever so generous Mr. Wells Fargo himself. Erect a statue in his honor. Walk past it every day and lock eyes with his stony face and say “thank you” as a single tear rolls down my cheek.
- Rejoice the heavens above that I am now financially stable. Thank you, Mr. Wells Fargo! I no longer have any problems. Everyone thinks I’m awesome and hot and I somehow got taller?! You have solved all my woes and rid me of my burdens. I do not know what I could ever do to repay you… but I definitely won’t be paying you back the $3.32; I’m rich now and I intend to stay that way.
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