(Scene: KC walks down the streets of Seoul towards his teaching job.)
BRAIN: Legs! Move faster! We're going to be late!
LEGS: Dude, I told you, I'm really short. And you're wearing dress shoes.
KC: Holy shit. It's so effing cold. Remember yesterday, when I said it can't get any colder?
BRAIN: Yes.
KC: Well, it's colder.
BRAIN: We said the same thing about summer. Just about heat. It just got hotter and hotter.
KC Teacher in action during class. KC: Can you, like, shut the hell up? Mouth, remember to spit.
MOUTH: Chewing tobacco is pretty cool, and pretty gross at the same time.
KC: Well, we have to chew instead of smoke. And we have to chew instead of eating. Because our effing student Dooly called us fat and gave us an eating disorder.
BRAIN: Maybe we could eat less.
MOUTH: And maybe you could fucking talk less!
EYES: I see our stairs.
KC: Legs, run!
LEGS: I wish I wasn't so short.
(Scene: KC walks into his school.)
EYES: Look, the Korean secretaries are staring at us.
KC: Mouth, say something.
MOUTH: Annyong haseo.
BRAIN: That's Korean for "Hello, how are you?" in case you're wondering.
JUNK: Wouldn't it be funny if everybody was lying to us and we were really saying, "Please blow me."BUTT: You know, we've got a six-hour day of corrupting young minds. We might as well fart.
KC: Dude, I heard blowjobs haven't even been invented in this country yet.
JUNK: Lame. Well, got any hot students?
BRAIN: Incredibly way too young for us. By a decade. Do you want to get chopped off and sent to pound-me-in-the-ass prison?
JUNK: Okay, I'm leaving. Until you teach hot college sluts, I'm not talking.
KC: You know, I'm kind of going to miss him. Well, we're here, we're ready for class, but we've got a few minutes to kill. What should we do?
MOUTH: Eat!
KC: Okay, let's go to the bathroom and wash that Copenhagen chew out of you first.
MOUTH: I feel numb.
(Scene: KC goes to the bathroom.)
BRAIN: Remember when we used to go to the bathroom at our old shitty magazine job and stretch for 30 minutes?
KC: That sucked. Not the stretching, the job.
(Now in the bathroom stall, KC spits out chew and washes his mouth out.)
JUNK: You know. We might as well piss.
(KC urinates.)
BUTT: You know, we've got a six-hour day of corrupting young minds. We might as well fart.
EYES: Um, I heard students in the bathroom.
BUTT: So what? They'll think it's funny and we can bond with them over farts. Everybody loves farts. *PPPPPPLLLLLLIIIPPIIT* Wow, that was a great one.
MOUTH: I think I rattled a filling.
BUTT: Wait for the applause…
EARS: I don't hear anything.
BUTT: Wait for the laughter…
EARS: Still, nothing.
BUTT: Hmm. Maybe they're laughing silently.
BRAIN: How long are we going to stand in the bathroom?
BUTT: Until those kids laugh at my fart! Goll dangit!
EARS: I hear some Korean and they're leaving.
BUTT: What kind of lowbrowed cretin doesn't laugh at a fart like that? It was merciless! It was timeless! It was genius!
BRAIN: Hey bud. They're Koreans. They're weird. They don't like to laugh at farts. They like Tom & Jerry.
LEGS: Back to the classroom.
EYES: Holy shit. Look at all the little Korean children! So many.
FIST: I feel the urge to hit one. Just, you know, to express my dominance.
BRAIN: Normally, I'd advise against it for violence purposes, but it's Korea. So if you want to punch one, go ahead.
KC: Yeah, I'm still not okay with hitting kids. I think it would feel wrong.
BRAIN: Nah, hit the kids all you want. I'm just worried their huge Korean heads would break Fist.
JUNK: Any of your students hot yet?
BRAIN: Does the phrase, "Ten years in prison without internet porn or female-delivered blowjobs" mean anything to you?
JUNK: Later!
(KC waves to a student.)
MOUTH: Hi, Cute Sally. How are you today?
EARS: Isn't that just so adorable? She said, "I'm fine, thank you."
KC: Not in a sexual way, but I might love Cute Sally. The way she organizes her pencils and wears pink every day… she's just so cute!
EYES: Oh look, there's Thomas.
KC: Ugh. I hate that fucking kid.
EARS: Oh precious, he just called us Fat Monkey Face.
FIST: Please, let me hit him. Not hard enough to kill him, but at least hard enough that he goes blind.
BRAIN: Just remember, you don't want to scare Cute Sally.
FIST: Yeah, Cute Sally makes up for that fucking shithead Thomas.
KC: I never thought I'd love children so much. But, enough gushing. I guess it's time to take attendance.
(KC calls out a bunch of English names.)
MOUTH: Thomas? …Thomas?
BRAIN: I swear that fucktard is here. Why isn't he talking?
EYES: Holy shit! He snuck up to the desk.
BRAIN: Man, he could buy the guy who invented Ritalin a new skyscraper.
EARS: He's whispering something.
KC: So what.
EARS: He says it's from his hot mom.
JUNK: I'm listening.
EARS: Thomas says to stand up.
LEGS: Okay.
EARS: He says his mom is really pretty, and she wanted to give us this.
BRAINI: I don't know if I like where this is going.
JUNK: @$#!&% Humph.
BRAIN: What's his problem?
KC: I think we just got clipped in the nuts.
JUNK: Oh, nevermind. I guess it doesn't hurt.
MOUTH: Thomas, go sit in your ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuddddddge.
JUNK: You know all those orgasms we used to have? We're not having any more. This is the reverse of orgasm. I can't even fucking quantify how bad this hurts. Right, Brain?
BRAIN: …
MOUTH: Sit down and be quiet. I'm going to, um, enter grades.
KC: Guys, I know we're in pain, but don't pass out.
JUNK: Hurts so bad. I hate children.
END