(Scene: After a glorious night of flirting, exchanged glances and shots, KC manages to bring a girl back to his bachelor pad. The skank is in his room doing whatever girls do when they're left alone in a guy's residence. We find KC giving himself a pep talk in the bathroom.)
BRAIN (To All): Gang, this meeting is called to see what we're willing to do, and not do, for this chick.
KC: Good call Brain. I like that you're taking initiative here. Usually during hookups you either shut down, or make us think about Kirby Puckett in the 1991 World Series.
BRAIN: Sorry about that. But you got to admit, Kirby fucking rules.
Junk, I need you to love her long time. None of this Three Minute Hero bullshit. KC: Noted. He's awesome.
JUNK: Dude, when are we going to fuck?
KC: Hold on, Champ. Soon.
BRAIN: Back to the matter at hand. We need to utilize all of our abilities. This is going to be the big one, with a brand new girl. Here are the ground rules…
JUNK: Fine. No butthole. Let's fucking rock and do this. I'm ready. Enough of this talking shit.
BRAIN: Here's the deal, dickhead. We want to bang this girl tonight, but leave it open so we can bang her successfully on other nights.
JUNK: Don't care about the next few nights. I want to bang. Now. Dig it?
KC: It's that kind of thinking that's made us single and put us into credit card debt.
JUNK: Fuck, dude. This is so boring.
BRAIN: Okay. Quickly. Butt, fart all you want in the bathroom. After that, we're entering a bomb-free zone.
BUTT: But I like farting under the covers!
BRAIN: Only cool when we're alone, dude. Hands, do all the touching you want, just be gentle when you need to be. More intel will come in. So I'm guessing that this girl likes getting her ass slapped.
HANDS: They all like their booties whacked.
BRAIN: Mouth, there's going to be a lot of passionate kissing and ear nibbling and crap like that. You know what to do. Just, don't say stupid shit during sex like you usually do.
MOUTH: Come on. I only said, "That's almost as good as I think Princess Leia would do it," three or four times.
BRAIN: Just shut up. Mekaneck, you're the new guy here. Your purpose is two pronged. When we look up, can you still make it sound like somebody stomping on a lightbulb?
MEKANECK: Affirmative.
KC: Whoa, you talk in a robot voice now?
MEKANECK: Affirmative.
KC: Having metal parts is totally awesome.
MEKANECK: What will my function be, Awesome Lord Master Ninja?
BRAIN: Well, we can pretend we're going to eat her out, but when we bend our neck, make that gross crunching sound. We'll totally get out of the commitment, and she'll feel bad for us then give us a wet-n-nasty blowjob.
MEKANECK: My mission will be complete.
JUNK: I like the sound of that. Good thinking, Brain.
BRAIN: That's what I'm here for Baby. Junk, I need you to love her long time. None of this Three Minute Hero bullshit. Remember, we're in control of this. We do things right tonight, we'll be busting this broad for a long time. Or, you know, until we get bored of her when she gets emotional or some shit.
JUNK: Fucking rules.
BRAIN: Now, KC, it's up to you to coordinate this. Don't screw things up. And don't fall asleep right afterwards. We want to deep dick this girl numerous times, so we need to cuddle for about two minutes. Then snore away, brother.
KC: Brain, baby darling, you're talking to the master. The head office is claiming big numbers on the cuddle front. I'm giving five boob squeezes, a nipple tug and maybe eight butt caresses. Then it's lights out.
BRAIN: Perfect. Let's execute this battle. Now, who's ready to bang some skank?
EVERYBODY: Let's do it up!
Continue to My Organs and I Hook Up (With a Girl), Part 2 »