Good morning students, this is Principal Tomlinson. It's Monday and the current time is 6:15 AM. Here are today's announcements.
Yearbook photos will be taken throughout the day. As per school policy, your photo will be taken at a scheduled time, and by "scheduled" I mean, "whenever the photographer feels like it." If all goes according to plan, our photographer will catch you eating, drinking, drooling, picking your nose, picking something else, or if he's really lucky, fiddling with the gigantic zit on your nose that coincidentally appeared this morning.
Now, a curriculum change. Effective immediately, P.E. has been extended to three hours per day. Please note this change applies only to those students who are routinely chosen last for teams and/or those taunted with chants of "Easy out! Easy out!" whenever they step up to bat. On the other hand, students who actually enjoy P.E. will receive an independent study credit for participating in our newest class, "The Life & Death of the Dewey Decimal System."
On the subject of P.E., I'd like to extend a hearty welcome to our newest teacher, former United States Marines Drill Sergeant Buddy Lee "Skip" Armstrong. Be sure to say "hi" if you see him in the halls. A word to the wise, however: do not surprise him from behind.
Whoa, what's that in the air? Why, it's LOVE, which means prom is right around the corner! Now students, because prom is a very special night whose importance cannot be over-hyped enough, you must be very careful when selecting your date. This is, after all, the person you'll be obsessing about for the next month or so while you slowly work up the courage to ask them out. Of course, when you finally do ask them, you'll discover you waited too long and they already have a date.
Also in the air is the sweet smell of our cafeteria's culinary delights! Don't miss our Super Sloppy Joes–all month long!
Following lunch, which incidentally has been shortened to eleven minutes, we ask that you adjourn to the auditorium for a very special assembly. Officer Patrick McFeely will be discussing the importance of safe sex with an exciting multi-media presentation that will feature actual prophylactics, as well as realistic mannequins with movable parts! And, as part of a new countywide effort to make this experience as uncomfortable for you as possible, we've gone ahead and invited your parents to attend. You'll be sitting right beside them when Officer McFeely shows the documentary, "Gonorrhea and You."
And finally, immediately following these announcements, there will be a pop quiz. Well, it's not so much a quiz really, as it is an exam. And it will cover everything you've learned in the past two years. Oh, and not to put any pressure on you, but keep in mind that your high school career, college aspirations, and essentially your entire future are all riding on your performance. As always, please use a Number 2 pencil. Failure to do so will result in an automatic zero.
And lastly, you might want to put on some clothes. You're naked.