Mr. Brian Jesser
5717 Reseda Boulevard #D-306
Tarzana, CA 91357
Dear Brian:
I'd like to thank you for submitting your screenplay to Money Shot Pictures. While your writing certainly shows potential, I'm afraid your script is simply not a good fit for our studio. Quite frankly, your screenplay lacks nearly all the qualities we look for in a manuscript.
However, out of respect for everything your father has done for this studio, I wanted to extend you the courtesy of a personal reply. So you know, when Dick first told me his son was breaking into the business, I was more-than-anxious to see what you would produce. And truth be told, when your script arrived last week, I was quite optimistic. The title alone (“The Golden Shower”) seemed to indicate your knowledge of industry terminology as well as a great deal of marketing savvy (my mind was racing with taglines, e.g., “It's a pisser!” and “Slippery when wet!”). Anyway, you can imagine my shock when I discovered your screenplay was not at all about the niche act of one urinating on their sexual partner, but rather the renovation of a bathroom inside an Indian palace, set in 1933.
This brings me to my next criticism: plot. While admittedly interesting and surprisingly detail-oriented, I can't help but wonder if this story would be better suited for a more mainstream audience. See, when writing for our industry, it is imperative to keep the plot relatively unassuming. Take, for example, the following loglines of some of our most successful features:
a. “A woman, hungry for some love, orders a pizza.”
b. “Young pizza boy delivers more than pepperoni.”
c. “Sorority sisters spend the night eating Italian.”
This is not to say that aspiring writers must adhere only to these formulas. On the contrary, we are always open to reading original stories that feature unique characters (e.g., aliens), settings (e.g., office boardroom), and plot twists (e.g., the maid is sleeping with her boss, his wife, and the gardener!). Of course, as proven by the commercial success of “That Bitch Is Fine!” and “Those Aren't Pillows!,” sometimes it's more beneficial to skip the plot all together and just go right to the sex.
Another point of contention with your manuscript would be the budget necessary to produce such a project. I'm sure your father has told you “war stories” about life on set. Fore example, when this studio produced “Private Dick” in 1975, we spent a staggering $3,500¾and that included the good cop/bad cop costumes for Dick's dual role. Point is, acquiring funding for our films is quite challenging. As a result, it is extremely unlikely we could fund scenes that feature “a mob of several thousand protesting outside the gold-laden palace” (pg. 68), “a 45-minute battle culminates in the fiery explosion of the palace” (pg. 122), or “an original John Williams score that tugs at our heartstrings” (pg. 205).
To be perfectly honest, the cost of producing even one of these scenes would be more than nine times what it cost to produce “Land of 10,000 Nipples” ¾ our most elaborate production to date (for obvious reasons)!
Finally, I would like to call attention to the dialogue itself, more specifically, questioning the necessity of it. For example, you write:
SANJAY: You mustn't stay here, Rupa. The prince will find out!
RUPA: I cannot hide my love for you any longer!
Sanjay and Rupa embrace passionately.
If I may, here is an alternative, and more industry-friendly, way to write that scene:
SANJAY: Did somebody order a pizza?
RUPA: Let's have sex.
Rupa rides Sanjay like a roller coaster.
I hope you will not be discouraged by this letter. As I stated, your writing shows a great mastery of storytelling (no doubt a reflection of your studies at NYU Film School). Nevertheless, if you are committed to pursuing a career within our industry, I think it would behoove you to become more familiar with current titles. I recommend you watch “Pizza Party,” “Sorority Sleaze,” or really anything in your father's “BBQ Butt Rub” series.
I wish you much luck in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Lawrence H. Tomlinson
President
Money Shot Pictures
P.S. Tell your old man I'll see him at “Boob Con” next month.