While the kids are away, the adults will stay! That's right, it's back to school season, which may have you feeling nostalgic for the new notebooks and class schedule days. Unfortunately, nothing is ever new with you, so there's no reason to get excited, right? Wrong! The same old slog probably doesn't excite you quite the same way, but here are a few alternative ideas for how to return to your youthful self and satisfy the urge to get back behind the desk.
Back to Office
Hasta la vista, remote work! With more and more companies voting to head back to the office on hybrid schedules, the nation’s most online group will have to readjust to life tied to a location. Remember how you used to have a commute? Get back on the wagon by climbing in the station wagon.
If you find it hard to find your groove, just unwind by browsing Target’s dorm room sales for things like a pillow, blanket, or bed frame. Make that office feel like home, since your home was already your office!
Back to Gym
With all the vacationing, long car rides, weddings, and more, you probably skipped the gym most days this summer. Well, worry not, we’re celebrating back-to-gym season! Get ahead of the New Year’s Eve-ers and restart your commitment to getting bikini body ready! Will it ever be ready? That’s for you and a therapist to decide.
Back to Covid
Feeling a little sick? A tickle in your throat a little too long? Do I have news for you—Covid is back and more contagious than ever! Time to round up those old N95 masks you bulk ordered on Amazon 4 years ago and reassess your sick leave policy. This is also a great time to capitalize on getting vaccinated, for anything! Already had Covid? Don’t worry, the newest strain drops in October—probably!
Back to School (Graduate Level)
Feeling directionless? Need a career change? Wish you hadn’t majored in English all those years ago? Same. With graduate programs, you can still go back to school! Of course, this time you’ll be old and bitter, and much less ambitious in getting homework done at night. The Library Sciences version of you is just two years and many thousands in debt away!
Back to Your Ex
You’re not going to do anything, obviously, but is she still in Canada? Is she opening that bakery she always talked about? Did she ever work things out with her mother? Time to dust off your old Facebook Messenger and start using it to connect with more than just Marketplace listings. Gamble your new relationship on the feelings of an old one. It's anyone's blame… I mean game!
Back to Brat
When did you listen to it last? It’s really good.
Back to Water
Oh my god, have you had water recently? Like, a really cold, icy glass of crisp water? Maybe if you're feeling fancy, add a lemon slice. You've been chugging frappes and Celsiuses and Dunkachinoes and other fake words all summer long. It's for your health! You need to get back into some self-care, and that starts with basic hydration. Once you nail at least 12 ounces of water per day, we can talk about putting you back onto alcohol.
Back to Your Partner
Geez, I hope you didn't do anything you'd regret with the ex. Your partner is great! Crawl into bed with them, hold them close, and bury the memory of what you said to your ex only two list items ago. Did you delete your chat log? Maybe you should log back onto Facebook Messenger and double-check. Block her just to be safe!
Back to Juice Cleansing
I think scientists figured out this was actually bad for you, but who cares? It's easier than a gluten-free diet and more delicious than a paleo one. Just throw some green stuff in a blender, maybe a fruit, and choke down as much as you can. It's for your health! See, aren't you glad you practiced with water first?
Back to Doomscrolling
Thanks for reading this whole thing. You can head back to Instagram now.