It happens to everybody. Sometimes you just have to kill yourself. Listen, I understand. I've been there too. So when the mood strikes, put on one of these sweet tracks and shove a pitchfork through your neck. When the cops find your body, they will be thoroughly impressed.
10. “Cheeseburger in Paradise” – Jimmy Buffett
Why it's awesome:
Classic rock from a classic rocker. Some people think that you get 70 virgins when you get to “Paradise.” I could care less about virgins. I want a fucking cheeseburger.
What it says about you:
You're a true patriot. But also possibly a beach bum/stoner. You got the munchies so bad that you killed yourself to get a cheeseburger. Clearly, you are legend. People will speak of you with great respect.
9. “Butterfly” – Crazy Town
Why it's awesome:
Recently, someone told me that this was voted the worst song of the past decade. Whoever created that list or voted for this song deserves to be in jail. True, the lyrics are basically meaningless, but most songs have meaningless lyrics. The singer dude likes some chick. That's like 95% of music. This song, however, is catchy as hell. You hear it on the radio and you'll be humming it to yourself all day. That by itself will probably force you to slit your wrists.
What it says about you:
You pay attention to trends. You may have some tattoos in naughty places. You weren't that surprised when you found out DJ AM died. After all, you sold him the drugs. You really hope for a rap/rock eulogy performed by Shifty.
8. “Bye Bye Bye” – ‘N Sync
Why it's awesome:
Oh JTLake, whatever happened to those glorious curls? The frosted tips? You traded them in for skinny suits and horn-rimmed glasses. I think we can all agree that you were better off before this FutureSex/LoveSounds thing happened.
What it says about you:
You are a prankster. What better way to sign off than with a song that literally says goodbye for you? For maximum effect, hang yourself so that you look like one of those marionettes from the music video. Except dead.
7. “Pyramid Song” – Radiohead
Why it's awesome:
This song may actually make you want to kill yourself. Not because you can't get it out of your head. Not because it's so fantastically terrible that you want to jam a screwdriver in your ear to stop the pain. It's just really really really depressing. And I don't even know what the words are. I don't think anyone knows. Seriously, it's like the saddest thing you've ever seen… ON CRACK. But that doesn't really make sense, does it? An orphaned baby monkey is sad. An orphaned baby monkey on crack is hilarious. But I digress…. This song is lethal. You could be on your yacht with your supermodel wife/wives and suddenly, as soon as Pyramid Song floats out of your diamond encrusted jam box, you tie a cinderblock to your leg and jump into the sea.
What it says about you:
You have good taste in music and want everyone to know it. Even though you've never been to Europe, you know it's totally wayyyy better than America. Your friends are probably pretend hippies. You were completely oblivious to the fact that no one would care if you killed yourself.
6. “Where the Party At” – Jagged Edge
Why it's awesome:
This song is the definition of JAM. Every time it came on the radio, you got a little boner. It's the only song by Jagged Edge in your iTunes library, and that's perfectly fine. I assume Jagged Edge was created in a lab to produce this one song, then incinerated by Jermaine Dupri. If you want this to be the soundtrack to your suicide, you should really get a giant plasma TV and loop the video. MC Hammer had parachute pants, Jagged Edge just has parachutes. Also, JD is wearing an Edgerrin James jersey from the Indianapolis days. By itself, that's not such a big deal. The thing is, he's wearing it backwards. That style never really caught on, did it?
What it says about you:
You're nostalgic for the old days. You liked Nelly's band-aid. Maybe you had a band-aid or two of your own. You were upset when you realized life is not like a music video.
5. “Sex Machine” – James Brown
Why it's awesome:
James Brown is the godfather of everything. The godfather of soul, funk, etc, etc, etc. And if we want to play the odds here, he's probably your father too. Your mom was a little loose in the '50s. Nothing to be ashamed of. She got married later, but then she went to a James Brown concert and decided to be loose again in the '60s. And again in the '70s. And the '80s and '90s and all the way up to 2006 when James Brown pimp-slapped earth and decided to roll out of this bitch. So if you were born between 1956 and 2006, get a DNA test done just to be sure. A recent survey of NFL players revealed at least 94% are blood related to James Brown.
What it says about you:
You're upset that you and dad never “had a catch.” You own more than one frilly shirt, and you sweat constantly.
4. “I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” – Britney Spears
Why it's awesome:
I'm not convinced that this song has any awesome qualities, but then again, I've never actually listened to the entire thing. While it wasn't the most popular song on Britney's creatively titled album “Britney,” it sort of represents a high water mark for her career. She was super hot (e.g. “I'm a Slave 4 U”), and she hadn't lost her mind yet.
What it says about you:
You are confused. You might be Miley Cyrus.
3. “Head Bussa” – Lil Scrappy
Why it's awesome:
This was “Dirty South” hip-hop at its 2003 finest. The music video reeks of high production value. They obviously spent a lot of money to make everything look so shitty and hardcore. I haven't heard much from Lil Scrappy lately, but apparently he's now working on a new album called “Tha Grustle.” Gristle + Hustle? For those who don't know, “gristle” is defined as “tough cartilaginous, tendonous, or fibrous matter, especially in table meats.” Well god knows I love table meat. But maybe it's not gristle + hustle. Grundle + Hustle? A grundle is “the prime piece or real estate located conveniently between Scrotumburg and Anusville.” Okay, it's probably Grind + Hustle, but I'm just going to assume table meat anus cartilage is in there somewhere.
What it says about you:
You are a straight balla. You pawned your Honda to pay for your platinum grill. No, the diamonds aren't real. They look awesome though, right? You do not fuck around. If this is your suicide song, you obviously shot yourself in the face—preferably with a Glock, Tec-9, or Mac-10. It doesn't really make sense to hang yourself when you're listening to a song called “Head Bussa,” does it?
2. “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” – WHAM!
Why it's awesome:
In addition to featuring more snaps and claps than any other four minutes in history, this is the all-around gayest song of all time. George Michael has forgotten more about anal sex than Jenna Jameson will ever know. Watch this video with a straight face. I dare you. You can't do it.
What it says about you:
If you listen to this song on a regular basis, you are stuck in the '80s. For that, I salute you. You are a true phallic pillar of awesome. Imagine the scene when your body gets found. Your parents walk into your room and this track is blasting on repeat. They try to wake you up before they go-go, but they can't. Because you're dead. Comedy GOLD.
1. “Runnin' with the Devil” – Van Halen
Why it's awesome:
Jeff Spicoli saved Brooke Shields from drowning and blew his reward money hiring Van Halen to play his birthday party. Completely worth it. Hey, if it's good enough for Jeff, it's good enough for me. And it's impossible not to love this song. It just bleeds testosterone. It makes me want to drive a motorcycle through a plate glass window in slow motion. Or maybe I'll tear off my shirt and punch through a door.
What it says about you:
You are a complete badass. There is nothing subtle about your suicide tactics. You put on your leather pants and caught the express train to hell. You're going out on top and you want people to know that you're going to shoot craps with Satan. Your exit is a giant flaming middle finger to everyone. Rock on, bro. Rock on…
More articles about suicide:
- How to Commit Suicide the Right Way
- How to Write a Great Suicide Note
- Tips on Writing a Proper Suicide Note