How to Commit Suicide the Right Way

Were you just laid off? Are you tried of struggling with that heroin addiction? Does it feel like you're at the end of your rope, so to speak?

If you said “YES!” to any these questions, you may have had the bright idea to “off yourself.”

First of all, you're not alone. Trust us, millions of people have read this page. Before reading on, call or text 988, or chat with someone right now. A real person at the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline will listen and talk with you. It may not seem possible at this moment, but they can help you find a light at the end of what I assume is your shitty-ass tunnel. It's free, confidential, and open 24 hours a day. Give a call, text or chat—you can always hang up, ghost them, close the chat, or tell them to take a long walk off a short pier.

Ok, so you've called, texted or chatted and decided to give suicide the green light anyway—well, that's your journey and there's a place reserved for you in Hell.

With that said, I am here to help you dumbasses do it the right way. Why? To spare you unnecessary pain, make it a little less gory, and minimize the paramedics' laughter when they find you dead from overdosing on Flintstone vitamins (it's happened).

1. The Gun

A top choice for suicide, especially for men. Some people have seen too many movies though. If you think that any old gun is a half-second click away from “lights out,” then you may be in for an unpleasant experience.

First, DO NOT USE a .22 caliber weapon, or any weak ass gun for that matter. You'll thank me (or maybe you won't, because you're dead) when you're not a drooling vegetable in a hospital for the rest of your shitty days.

A small handgun can do four things:

Kill you.
Make you bleed out for 2+ agonizing hours before killing you.
Put you in a coma forever.
Not kill you.

Get a .45 caliber weapon, or even better, A SHOTGUN! But don't expect an open casket with those fuckers.

How to do it: Put the god forsaken thing in your mouth POINTING UP to the sky. Not kinda up, not angled up, STRAIGHT UP (don't half ass it!!). If you put the weapon in your mouth pointing to the back of your neck/lower head, then death may not be instant and you may endure some unnecessary suffering.

2. Drowning

Unless you hate yourself, don't be a DUMBASS and drown yourself. It is known as one of the most painful ways to die (don't ask me how people know) and can take up to three minutes to lose consciousness.

If you choose to do it, go to a lake/ocean and swim 10-15 feet deep and take a deep breath (your bathtub or kitchen sink will be too challenging to kill yourself in). You'll then come to the quick realization that you are in fact a dumbass and should have chosen a less painful way to go (example: jumping into a pit of diamond back rattlesnakes).

3. Hanging

This is a tough one. Will you choose to tie yourself up and kick the chair beneath you, causing moments of breathless agony and unnecessary pain? OR… tie yourself up and jump off a 12-foot ledge, instantly snapping your neck and possibly decapitating you?

I advise option two (again, it just depends how much you hate yourself). To limit the mess, jump off a 5- to 6-foot ledge. Don't lose your head now (L0Lz).

4. Slitting Your Wrist

Unless you put on some soothing music, make yourself a bubble bath, and slice your wrists up in the tub… it's going to be messy.

Since this is a lame way to kill yourself, I don't remember if it's “down the street” or “across the tracks,” and I'm too tired at this point to check Yahoo Answers for it so… fuck me. I guess I'm no help here. Just cut your fucking hand off with a table saw. That's probably more effective than “up the hop-scotch” or “across the playground” or whatever the fuck….

5. Pills

This is risky. Not like anything matters at this point though, right? Pill suicide works just as much as it doesn't. The upside is that it's not a gory death. It WILL be painful, but mostly just puking and possibly shitting all over yourself. And your chances of survival are much greater than a shotgun suicide (to say the least).

Your chances of survival depend upon whether your roommates find you soon enough. You shouldn't last longer than 3-5 hours after ingestion.

If you do survive, though, you'll have all the attention in the world from your friends and family. Maybe even go on Oprah after you write an autobiography called “My Journey” about how you were picked on in high school for having a tiny dick and later survived suicide.

6. Jumping

If you're not immediately scared to jump, you're not high enough yet. Please listen: A 2-STORY HOUSE IS NOT HIGH ENOUGH!! Nor is a 3-story house! Jump off something badass like a skyscraper or the Colosseum in Rome.

Jumping off grandma's garage will just hurt a lot and maybe even paralyze you. Remember: HEAD FIRST, and don't expect an open casket.

Okay, that's good enough.

Reminder: DON'T KILL YOURSELF!!!

Get help: CALL OR TEXT 988, OR CHAT ONLINE WITH A TRAINED COUNSELOR

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