In 2006 the movie My Super Ex-Girlfriend was released. This film helped to illustrate two points. First, if you wish to make a successful comedy film you should probably attempt to put some funny people in it. Second, dating a superwoman is often a recipe for disaster. For every bout of mind-blowing-ultra-cosmic-mega-mega-uber-freaky-crazy-ultrasonic sex, there are numerous pitfalls, most of which end with the non-super member of the relationship dying a terrible terrible death.
Not being one to learn my lessons from films starring Luke Wilson, though, I decided to go ahead and ask ten of the finest women from comic books out to romantic dinners. Here are the results.
| 1. WONDER WOMAN |
Me: So, you're a pretty famous superhero. I guess you've probably got your own movie coming out soon, right?
WW: No studio will give me one. It is kind of a sore point.
Me: Ahh… television series then?
WW: Please change the subject.
Me: Cool. Umm… is there a video game in the works?
Evening ends with me being hog-tied with a golden lasso and dropped from an invisible plane.
| 2. CATWOMAN |
CW: Hi, sorry I'm late.
Me: Oversleep on a catnap?
CW: Aah… right. Say, let's get a drink.
Me: Two saucers of milk?
CW: Yeah, whatever. Look, I'm just going to go to the bathroom.
Me: Do they have a box in the corner that you can take a dump in?
Evening ends with me covered in lacerations and being nibbled to death by housecats.
| 3. JEAN GREY |
Me: Hi.
JG: You know I can read minds, right?
Me: Yeah…
JG: So, yes, I am wearing panties.
Me: Oh…
JG: No, they are just regular ones.
Me: Right…
JG: And I'm not telling you the color.
Me: But…
JG: Of course I'm a real redhead.
Me: Wait…
JG: If Cyclops could fire lasers from that part of his body would I really still be here?
Me: Ahh…
Evening ends with a fork teleporting across the restaurant and stabbing me in the eye.
| 4. POISON IVY |
Me: Hi, I brought you some violets.
PI: Aaaggghhh! How dare you murder my floral sisters!
Evening ends with me pulling removing nettles from my rectum and running out of aloe-vera gel.
| 5. STORM |
Me: Wow, crazy weather outside, huh?
Storm: What are you suggesting?
Me: Ahh… nothing.
Storm: Are you saying that because I'm a woman I can't do a decent job?
Me: Noooo…
Storm: Because I can.
Me: Right.
Storm: I'm not even on my period or anything.
Me: Shall we skip dessert?
Evening ends with me regretting that I didn't get to make a joke using the word "frigid."
| 6. ELEKTRA |
Me: I see you brought your own forks.
Elektra: *Silence*
Me: Hey, at least I'm not blind, right?
Evening ends with me receiving a long boring lecture from Ben Affleck about why I should watch the Daredevil movie again.
| 7. SILK SPECTRE |
Me: So, do you still keep in touch with Dr. Manhattan?
SS: I'd prefer if you called him "John."
Me: Sorry.
SS: And he lives on Mars now, so…
Me: I see.
SS: Maybe he'll return to Earth one day, though.
Me: Do you think he could try and give someone cancer for me?
Dr. Manhattan: I heard that.
Evening ends with me being clubbed to death by a gigantic blue penis.
| 8. ROGUE |
Me: So… can you put out yet?
Evening ends with me being completely drained of all my life-force (and not in the good way).
| 9. INVISIBLE WOMAN |
Me: If Mr. Fantastic can stretch any part of his body to any size he wants, then…
IW: Stop.
Me: What?
IW: I've seen Mallrats too, okay?
Me: Oh, right. So… if The Thing's body is completely made out of rock…
Evening ends with my date disappearing and me being forced to pay for two meals.
| 10. SHE-HULK |
Me: So…your outfit is a nice shade of purple.
SH: Come home with me.
Me: Well, I normally don't on the first date…
SH: You don't think I'm pretty? I said come home with me! You make She-Hulk angry! She-Hulk smash puny man RRRRAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!
Me: Eeep.
Evening ends with me pulling green pubic hairs from out of my teeth and swearing to never read another comic book again.