1. Keep a Nintendo DS in your burial outfit.
I‘ve never been stuck in a human-sized box six feet under ground for all eternity before, but I'm assuming it gets super boring after a while, so playing Duke Nukem on a fully charged battery should kill about six of those lonely hours.
2. Stash some bug spray in your coffin.
It will take about a year for your corpse to dry out enough to attract scuttle flies, but you'll thank me once that time comes, trust me.
3. Get your teeth bleached before you die.
Most of your flesh will decompose in about two months, but you know what they say: “The last thing to go is the teeth!” Okay, no one really says that, but it's true. Besides, do you really want to be that one skeleton with the haggard-looking chompers? Or would you and your pearly whites prefer to get a little action in the afterlife?
4. Wear a tight belt.
The rigor mortis stage is all fun and games, but trust me, you're going to want to think ahead if you ever want to come out of the bloating stage with an attractive waistline.
5. Hire a top-notch film director to be your funeral director.
This is more affordable than you think because, well, you'll be dead anyway so it won't even matter how much it costs to get Paul Thomas Anderson to turn your burial into a full-on mind-bending thrill ride starring Joaquin Phoenix as a pallbearer and Daniel Day-Lewis as the priest. Trust me, with Jonny Greenwood scoring the ceremony of your death, your kin won't even care that you blew all their inheritance money.
6. Have your ashes scattered in the fountain at your local mall.
If you do wind up wanting to save some dough after you kick the bucket but you still want your ashes scattered at sea, why not settle for a smaller body of water like a mall fountain? It's completely free; just make sure your loved ones are prepared to run from an overweight security guard if they need to.
7. Request to be buried in rollerblades.
7. Request to be buried in rollerblades.?The reason zombies move so slowly in most movies and TV shows is they have weak legs from being motionless corpses for all that time before rising from the dead. Now, I'm not saying the Zombie Apocalypse will happen, but if it does, you'll thank me as you gorge yourself on human flesh while busting out sick-ass misty flips and 360's.
8. Sprinkle some of your mortal enemy's hair on you before you go.
Okay, I'll admit this is a pretty harsh revenge strategy, but at least the prison sentence will finally keep Steve in HR from using your ?damn coffee mug for his disgusting protein shakes at work.
9. Make sure your life ends at a spooky location.
You'll have a lot of down time once Father Time pays you a visit, so you're going to want all the entertainment you can get, and believe me there's no better way to pass the time than scaring the hell out of reckless teenagers who broke into the abandoned carnival where you died.
10. Die on a beach house vacation with some loved ones.
I'm not going to lie, your death will put a damper on the weekend at first, but once your friends and/or family members realize the Weekend at Bernie's-esque scenario they're in and all the hijinx and tomfoolery that they can create with your corpse, they'll have the time of their lives. Plus, you might even get a rockin' tan before the funeral.