If you enjoy having sex with girls (or “women” as the older ones like to be called), you will increase your chances of getting laid if you keep the following 10 things in mind.
1. Give her flowers.
Girls love flowers and they also love to make fake anniversaries out of minor milestones in order to get flowers. The one month anniversary of the day you met or the three month anniversary of the night you first had sex or the dreaded one year anniversary of anything. They will remember all of the dates and you will be expected to provide something to commemorate each one.
But forget the diamond jewelry because women love flowers. Flowers are organic and locally sourced, free-range and conflict-free, especially if you just grab them out of the neighbor's yard. No need to involve child soldiers or forced slavery by showing up with diamonds. Save money while you thrill your gal!
You don't even need to dig this deep. Dandelions will do.
2. Write her a poem on her birthday.
Now that you know you don't have to buy expensive diamonds, you also need to know that you can't always throw flowers at her on all occasions. So forget the flowers on her birthday. They just die, anyway.
Ramp it up a notch. Write her a poem from your heart. Girls love that shit (in addition to diamonds, but hopefully she isn't the materialistic kind). If you really can't think of anything nice to say, make it a short 3-line haiku and mention how much you love the beer she buys for you. Girls love to know the little things they do for you are appreciated! And you might also mention that she doesn't look a day older than [state her actual age]. She will be so pleased that you remember her actual age.
3. Give her gifts.
Many other occasions also require something more than flowers. Some occasions require an actual gift. Girls really like gifts that:
- Were purchased from a store.
- Come in boxes.
- Are wrapped with ribbons and bows.
No gift says “I love you” like a book about how to pleasure your man, all wrapped up in pretty paper and ribbons. And don't forget to tuck in a small gift card to let her know there will be a pop quiz on what she has learned in the near future! This combines the excitement of a real gift with the thrill of a live performance. A birthday she'll never forget!
4. Recognize her strengths.
Most women, even the not-so-bright ones, appreciate it when their talents are recognized. A woman will like you if you let her know that you appreciate how good she is at scraping puke from the carpet, or how understanding she is when you urinate in the potted plant again after a night out with the guys.
It never hurts to mention that she is worth every cent of the 77 cents she earns compared to the dollar earned by you and other men in our society. Everyone likes affirmation of their worth.
5. Compliment her body.
Nothing makes a girl want to have sex with you more than a compliment about her body. “You look so HOT when you are down on all fours scrubbing the floor!”
Another winning approach is to ask the girl if she's losing weight, despite the fact that she weighs only 90 pounds and is a mere 5 feet tall. “You look like you've gone from a size 18 to a size 16. Way to go! Now get those love handles over here so I can give them a little more exercise!” She will never want you more than she wants you at that moment—for real.
6. Take her on an intimate vacation.
Who needs Paris, Dubai, or Prague when you can go camping in some state park with your honey? Put that tent up on some god-forsaken ridge in some isolated forest and you both can soak up the solitude of nature and really focus on each other, free of the hustle and bustle of restaurants, bars, and shopping venues. Just the two of you and the trees and the lullaby of the wind rushing through the hills and valleys. And so damned economical! Then after a few days of not bathing and cooking baked beans in cans on an open fire, you can tell her how sexy she looks and smells, even after she's been in the wild for a few days. Women love compliments, amirite?
7. Move in with her.
If you're getting tired of commuting from your apartment to hers in order to get laid, and/or want to save money on rent, you might suggest moving in with her. You could approach this delicate discussion by saying something like, “Hey! What say I move in to your place? You can cook and clean and I can drink beer and not flush the toilet. And I'll save on rent!” The economics of the argument will seal the deal even if she isn't very good at math!
8. Make time for her family.
Women understand that there is no greater gift than the opportunity to spend time with their families, so surprise her before Thanksgiving and tell her that you have scheduled your annual salmon fishing trip for that weekend. But remember to tell her to focus on the bright side.
Remind her that she will have more time to focus on her mother, who hates you and your tattoos; her sisters, who think you're a lazy underachiever; her brother, who prefers smoking pot with you or anyone else over spending time with his family; and her dad, who keeps confusing you with the pool guy. Then just cross your fingers that none of them walk into the local pub and see your line and bait in the water while you're supposedly in Iceland.
9. Remind her how competitive and successful you are.
It never hurts to blow your own horn, although most people prefer others to do it for them. However, if no one is around to sing your praises, you may have to remind the object of your desire that you, for example, kick ass at flip cup. If she is at least a high school graduate, she will understand that she should be so lucky as to hitch her wagon to the likes of you! If she plays her cards right, that is.
10. Accept her for who she is.
Everyone gets turned down upon occasion after requesting sex, but some people get turned down a lot. And sometimes there is a good reason, such as scarlet fever or labor pains or the lack of privacy on the subway.
But some strategies yield better results than others. For example, if the girl you want to have sex with has just declined your request for sex, ask her if she's a lesbian. Then, regardless of her answer, tell her you'd love to hang with her and her lesbian lover any time! They can pick the date and time. Or lick the date and time. Whatever. This shows that you can be flexible and are definitely not possessive or jealous. Girls will appreciate that.
Caveat: Not recommended for use on girls who don't want anything to do with you. No point in wasting your efforts on the smart ones.