1. The Club Banger
If you're a man, don't use normal pick-up lines in a club. Walk up to the most beautiful woman on the dance floor, look her straight in the eyes, and say, "I am not a simple man, I am a complex mosaic of interconnected thoughts, feelings, and often conflicting emotions"… and then belch as loud as you can.
2. Taste Testy
Go to the fanciest and most expensive restaurant in town (a restaurant used only by people of high social stature). When they hand you the menu, order a bowl of peanut butter corn flakes and a can of beer. When they inform you that they don't serve corn flakes, throw a big huge fit. Toss the menu on the floor, stomp up and down, tell them this is the stupidest restaurant you have ever been in… and then run out of the door screaming and crying with your arms flailing wildly in the air.
3. Vacation in the Hills
Everyone wants to have fun, spend time together as a family, and have their children grow up well-educated and enlightened about the many unique cultures of the world. So, gather your family and loved ones together, have them sit down… and with a big, beaming smile on your face, announce that you are all going on a wonderful family trip…
…to North Korea.
4. Background Checkmate
Apply for a job as a police officer. When asked about your criminal record, pretend to be surprised by the question, stare at the floor nervously for about five minutes, then run out of the room with a guilty, fearful, panic-stricken look on your face.
5. TRL (Tourism Request Line)
Write a really long and detailed letter to your congressman complaining that you NEVER see any commercials on TV advertising Burma, Bangladesh, or Turkmenistan as popular tourist destinations. Demand an explanation for this.
6. Sexist Agenda
Attend a feminist meeting at your local college campus or town assembly hall. Wait for them to discuss the topic of women's under-representation in the corporate world. When asked if you have any thoughts, stand up and say…
"I only have one concern about this issue. If more and more women start working in corporations, who will cook and clean for all those men who are out there busy voting?"
And then run… REALLY REALLY FAST!
7. Facebook Guessing Game
Constantly lie about what you are doing on your Facebook status… even if you live in Cornville, Iowa and never leave.
On Monday, post this: "Moscow was really cool. Awesome photos!"
On Tuesday, post this: "Mt. Rushmore really kicked ass. Had a great time!"
On Wednesday, post that you are getting married.
On Thursday, post that you finished 3rd place in a cross-continental marathon.
On Friday, post that you are really excited about finishing your doctoral thesis on the continual necessity of biomechanical engineering and its subsequent impact on socio-political theory, thermodynamics, molecular physics, space travel, and furthering humanity's understanding of the interstellar medium.
Keep people guessing.
8. Facebook Game Changers
If you don't want to lie on your Facebook status, at least stop posting boring statements about mundane, everyday events. AND STOP COMMENTING THAT YOU "LIKE" BORING STATEMENTS POSTED BY OTHER PEOPLE. It's bad enough to see someone post a statement about putting gas in their car and then washing all the furniture in their house with an old dust rag that they found in the corner of their bedroom closet underneath a 25-year-old set of tennis rackets. But it's even worse to see other people comment that that they "LIKE" the statement.
"Hey everyone! I just bought a pack of double-A batteries at Walmart… and then I washed my dog's butt." (WOWEEE!!!! …14 people "LIKE" this.)
I mean… really. Posting things like this indicates that your soul is dead. Post something interesting, like:
"Hey everyone, I just bought a big, huge, floppy, blue, glow-in-the-dark, vibrating dildo at the corner sex shop owned by the bilingual Hungarian transvestite with no teeth and webbed feet who never goes outside due to fear of the sun."
Live a little.
9. Church Bombing
Secure your place in Hell by doing the following on a Sunday morning…
Wake up early and fix yourself a nice meal of stir-fried cabbage, eggs, cauliflower, and pork. Use an excessive amount of canola oil. For desert, have three spicy chili-bean burritos, a small bag of "jalapeno and cheese flavored" corn chips, and a can of diet Pepsi.
Then, go to church.
Wait for one of those moments of silence usually brought on during some type of transition, such as the last hymn before a sermon or that small period of time during which communion is being prepared. Position yourself carefully on the edge of your seat so that your bottom side is exactly half-way on and half-way off the seat. (Exact positioning is crucial at this point in time.)
When the moment of truth has arrived, push just hard enough to achieve maximum sound and release, but not so hard that you create the necessity to go back home, clean yourself, and re-start your day.
After you have achieved total and complete expulsion of the horrible, venomous, sulfuric doom that has been growing inside you all morning…
…and after the friction caused by your positioning in the seat has caused the sound to vibrate, ricochet, and echo off of every single holy structure within the church (including the organ; the Renaissance-style, painted glass windows; the alter; the solid marble angelic figures on the sides of the congregation; the church pews; the Roman-style, dome-shaped ceiling; and even the internal piping system)…
…after all of this….when people turn around and look at you with horrified and baffled expressions on their faces, have the nerve to move yourself slowly away from the old woman sitting next to you as though she is the one who did it.
After that, put Turkish currency in the church collection basket and blame it on the minister's wife.
AND FINALLY….
10. The Rejection Conjecture
Never miss an opportunity to fuel, heighten, or exacerbate other people's fears, insecurities, or weak points.
For example, let's say you agreed to go out on a double date in order to help your friend, Bob. Bob has hopelessly fallen for a girl at work, and he REALLY, REALLY, REALLY likes her. It has taken him two years to work up the courage to ask her out. Bob is a nice guy, but he is extremely anxious because he's not sure what his date thinks about him or if she even likes him at all. He is especially worried that his date might think he is boring and lose interest in him. (After all, his two favorite subjects are football and auto repair.) Bob conducts himself well all night, but you can tell that he has been very nervous the entire time.
Wait for one of those moments (which inevitably happen on any double date) when the males and females temporarily separate in order to discuss how things are going. The best time is at a restaurant, near completion of the meal, when the two females will (without a doubt) decide to go to the restroom together. But right before everyone splits off for the bathroom, when Bob isn't looking, make an agreement with your two dates that you and Bob will cover the tab and that they should just meet you both at a specific bar up the street in about an hour.
Sit back down and wait for about 45-50 minutes to go by. When Bob becomes extremely anxious and worried and asks you where they possibly could have gone, say the following:
"Well Bob, my friend, given that our lovely dates have been gone for so long, and given that our conversations with them throughout this entire evening have involved nothing but football scores and the exciting world of auto repair…I can only surmise that what started as a casual visit to the women's restroom has probably, by now, evolved into an intense expedition of passionate, unrestrained, and highly forbidden feminine sexuality.
It probably began with a couple of nervous glances, a few innocent giggles, and a bit of small talk about how boring we are…and about how we epitomize every possible failure that men have ever had since the beginning of time….
I would also be willing to guess that after washing their hands together and sharing an accidental, yet deep and magnetic moment of silence, they probably became hopelessly lost within a steamy jungle of rebellious, insatiable lust as the boring nature of our conversations and our complete lack of manliness have no doubt driven them to a complete rejection of the male species.
Yes indeed. Based on my observations tonight, I'm willing to bet money that our hopeless lack of imagination as well as the profoundly meaningless, soul-crushing boredom that emanates relentlessly from our empty, dull personalities has no doubt driven them to a voracious, newly-found, exciting, and unquenchable craving for one another. It wouldn't surprise me at all if they are…even still… sharing a few giggles about us while they continue their dangerous odyssey of erotic exploration…fulfilling every single one of their deeply-repressed, ravenous appetites on each other as they continue on their freshly-discovered path to an adventurous, sizzling, manless, female paradise.
Hey Bob, are you going to finish that last potato wedge?"