It's an epidemic: hipsters. They're everywhere. You may be one of them. Being a hipster is on the same playing field as being declared insane: try to rebut it and that only makes it more true. It's the ultimate catch-22.
Thankfully, following these 13 easy steps will ensure you're not a hipster, and definitely never be mistaken for one again.
1. Rid yourself of facial hair.
It's winter and you want a little extra protection against the blistering cold temperatures. Doesn't matter. You'll automatically start getting the nod from that Amish-looking guy who likes EDM.
2. Stop wearing hats.
The beanie has been banished, the Aussie has been ostracized, the fedora is most definitely frowned upon, and even the baseball cap raises brows these days. Display your dome free-flowing in the wind.
3. Wear “pleated” not “skinny.”
Pleats make you look fat, skinny shows off your generous form. Too bad nobody will take you seriously if your pants fit how you actually like. Make sure you look like you've just farted at all times and are letting it slide out the bottom of your trousers with an ever so sigh foot lift and ankle twitch. Only a hipster would lock their loose flatulence up generously inside their suffocating britches.
4. Stop smoking cigarettes.
Who cares about your health, or even that you may enjoy cigarettes or need their relaxing effects? Aren't you tired of being called a hipster poser? That's much worse.
5. Don't drink good beer.
This is where it gets tricky. IPA's and pale ales are most definitely off limits. The fastest way to get pigeon-holed as a hipster is to enjoy a micro-brewed beverage. “Sierra Nevada? Nice, my cousin from Santa Cruz who's in a punk rock DJ band loves that stuff.”
6. Don't drink cheap beer.
By no means should you drink on a budget. The fastest way to be declared a wannabe individual is to drink a PBR.
Solution to #5 & 6: Beer that is neither good nor cheap is the only way to keep hipster accusers' eyes off of you. You've clearly got some cash to throw around, but have the refined pallet of a New York City sewer rat. You are safe to enjoy a Bud Light.
7. Ruin the environment.
It makes sense that you would you rather ride your bike to work than waste time looking for parking spaces and money on gas. But good luck telling people it's not just to look cool, you obvious hipster. Buy an SUV and plow through traffic to avoid the label.
8. Eat at chain restaurants.
Animal cruelty is all too real, and local establishments are starting to figure that out, whether it's more vegan options or morally raised protein—so what? A hipster has never walked into or out of an Applebee's, but has definitely eaten a tofu burger from the restaurant in the back of a video store. Don't dine and be demeaned.
9. Don't enjoy music.
You've had a life-long passion for all things music. The story of bands, where they came from, buying records (mp3's, CD's and records alike), even going to concerts. Bring any of these things up or start an intelligent conversation with someone about music though, and it's so clear you're a hipster. You must hate music to detach yourself from the hipster stigma. Scratch that. You can like stuff like Katy Perry or Ace of Base if it's not done so ironically.
10. Don't use social media.
You've got thousands of followers on Twitter and/or Instagram. You use this as a place to express your individuality and creativity. Yeah, just like millions of others out there. Quit using social media to post a witty thought or a breathtaking “#nofilter” photo or you're one step closer to being a #hipster.
11. Don't have roommates.
Rent is impossible to afford even with five roommates in a 2-bedroom loft, but the best way to be declared a non-hipster is to be able afford your own place. Not doing other people's dishes, and piling up massive quantities of credit card debt are the cornerstones of non-hipsters everywhere.
12. Start a family.
A steady spouse and children? The only stroller a hipster would be seen pushing would be one full of their demo tapes. If you've got a baby in there, you're a hipster has-been; thank God.
13. Get a full-time job (one that you hate).
Only a hipster works part time at a hand full of different places. Get a desk job, preferably in a cubicle, 9-5 Monday through Friday. Selling insurance instead of merch is the ultimate proof. You loathe 40 hours a week of your life, but you don't have to loathe a label anymore—except “entry-level” or “middle management” or “executive assistant.” Those kinds of labels.
Congratulations, you are now a pleated-khaki-pants-wearing, clean-shaven loving parent and spouse with a steady paycheck and no hobbies or interests, who never communicates with the outside world. You've proven you are definitely not a hipster—instead you can totally say you were into poor fashion and disposable income before it was cool. That's right, you are now the new brand of hipster: a yuppie.