Two weekends ago, at a friend's party, I found myself in the middle of several awkward moments involving a very unattractive man. From the moment he screamed, "Hey redhead! What's yo name, redhead?!" I knew it was fate. I knew I was not going to be able to escape. After several attempts to catch my name, he tried to woo me by making very low pterodactyl noises an inch from my face.
At that moment I stopped myself and wondered: WHAT THE HELL WOULD MAKE A MAN THINK THAT I WOULD INSTANTLY WANT HIM AFTER HE MADE PTERODACTYL NOISES IN MY FACE?! When he realized his mating call wasn't making an impact on me, he resorted to, "What's yo problem, bitch?"
Excuse me? I'll tell you what your problem is.
So here you are, asshole, all the reasons why you are not attractive.
1. You tilt your ball cap up, so that it's barely hooked onto your head. I can't wrap my head around why you pay money to not really wear a hat. All it says about you is, "I'm not really smart enough to figure out this baseball cap, even though every toddler in the world has been able to handle it."
2. Your Facebook profile includes "Women" under your "Interests" or "Activities." This makes you a complete idiot. It also says that you have never really been, nor will you ever be laid.
3. Your pants look like they're made for someone who weighs 300 pounds, and you weigh 160. When you woke up this morning did you think women would just flock to you if you walked around all day groping your own crotch to keep your pants from falling down? Did you think you'd look hardcore? Let me tell you, there is nothing threatening about you. If you attacked me, I'd just run away, leaving you tripping over your own jeans.
4. You take pictures of yourself in the mirror without your shirt on, with your cell phone visibly in the picture. I don't know about other girls out there, but I sure as hell want the guy who decided to go disrobe at eleven on a Monday to snap some pics. I mean, I totally want to date a guy based off of one poorly shot picture posted on a social networking site.
5. You think skinny jeans are a good look for you. Skinny jeans make fat men look even larger. Skinny jeans make skinny guys look like a toothpick. My type is more in the middle of lardass and emaciated emo.
6. You comb all your hair down and only flip up the very front. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were in college. This is not 2001 anymore, guys.
7. You drop close to 80 of your accomplishments in five minutes because you think I care. No, I really don't give a shit if at the age of 8 you played football, soccer, baseball, and competed in gymnastics.
8. You ride a BMX bike to class. I know you think you look super extreme, but it really just looks like you're riding a bike made for a 10-year-old. I get that some X Games gold medalist is out there somewhere doing back flips on one, but you can't. You're at college because you can't. Buy a normal bike and let go of the dream.
9. You wear t-shirts that say things like, "The voices in my head don't like you." Or, "As a matter of fact, the world DOES revolve around me." I just wanted to let you in on the secret. You are not witty or intelligent. You are white trash.
10. You brag about the amount of numbers you've been getting lately. Damn, nothing makes me want to jump on a guy more than when he tells me about all the drunken sorostitues he's been able to fool into submission. It's just such a turn on to know I'd be number 18. I'm so honored.
11. You wear your high school letterman's jacket, jersey, championship t-shirt, etc. I don't know what kind of college you go to, but if it's bigger than 3,000 kids, no one cares what the fuck you did in high school. I know you want to lure women in with the fact you won the state wrestling championship, but unless that championship earned you an athletic scholarship, it doesn't mean anything.
12. You cut your hair like you just tried out for a melodramatic, eyeliner-wearing, wrist-cutting, sub-par musical group. You basically look like you let your 5-year-old sister maim your hair. As I write this, guys with their hair cut like this are thinking I just gave them a compliment. I didn't. Go check your eyeliner. It's running.
13. You wear Detroit Redwings gear. I have nothing to say about this. See my info.
14. You try to argue with me to the end of the Earth that the Redwings are better than the Penguins. One, Pittsburgh won the damn Stanley Cup. Two, would I be able to convince you to be a Penguins fan? Hell no. So why do you think I'm going to switch my allegiance? Redwings fans, so stupid.
15. You drive your car with your seat leaned back so far your forehead is lower than the wheel. This is usually accompanied by loud rap music. It may also include you screaming at women from your car as you drive by. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you really think that when you yell some pick-up line out the window I'm going to run to your car and hop in? Do you think I'm going to shoot a paper airplane with my number scribbled on it into your car? Please just drop out of college now and save the state some money.
I could keep going, but I figured you have to have a certain personality to have these traits, and you changing these things won't cover up the waste of air that you are. Unless you'd like to negotiate your favoritism of the Redwings. In that case, we could talk.