Secretly, I'm a nerd, and no matter how many pageants my family puts me in or how many times they put my mug in front of the camera and shout "Now model, bitch!" I can't change that. Because of this nerd factor, I've sometimes wondered what it would be like to be a superhero, but I've come to the conclusion that apart from the "that shit can't happen" scientific aspect of this, a superhero could never make it in 2011.
I know that all you true, die hard, Trekkie, X-Men, fan-fic humping nerds out there are probably shouting "yes it can," but let's take a gander at why our favorite Spandex-wearing freaks wouldn't last a day in modern times.
1. Advanced Technology
Wonder Woman's invisible jet would be picked up by government radar and she'd be shot out of the sky and deemed a terrorist. Thanks to Google Earth, surveillance cameras up our asses, and airport anal cavity x-rays, let's face it, Wolverine would never be able to fly commercially, and they'd probably send his ass directly to Guantanamo Bay—do not pass "Go," do not collect $200. We can't do anything without the government or any asshole with a videophone knowing about it. The minute Superman dashed into his herpes-laden phone booth to change (we still have phone booths??), a cop would slap handcuffs on him and charge him with indecent exposure. And you just know that someone will accidentally leave their secret costume out in the background when they take a spread eagle photo for their Facebook page.
2. The Lady Gaga Effect
People are used to the weird and strange these days; they've come to expect it. The idea of X-Men is that they were mutants, shunned from society, fighting the good fight for their race, but in this Gaga day and age they would be just another wannabe little monster. Many would probably get a reality TV gig on TLC, develop a Snookie habit, and then fade into obscurity. No whoop there.
Sorry buddy, the streets can take care of themselves now.
3. 2011 is a Sucky, Stuck Up, PC, SOB Era
Let me just lay it out nice and simple. I'm not some Dione Warwick or Miss Cleo, but I can tell you the future of many of our favorite super peeps should they come prance out in their skin tight Spandex today:
- Wonder Woman's invisible jet would be picked up by government radar and she'd be shot out of the sky and deemed a terrorist.
- Aquaman would get caught in another oil leak and suffocate.
- Batman and Robin would become too involved with DADT and start a war with a homophobic closeted TV pastor.
- Spiderman would get the sniffles and start a new epidemic called Spidy flu, H169 for short.
- Captain America would become the mascot for the teabaggers and then accidentally shout the N-word in the hood before getting the crap beat out of him by a fat chick named Shaqoya.
- Green Lantern would get his ring stolen by someone so they could send it to Cash4Gold.
- Mr. Fantastic would start to endorse a new brand of condoms for Trojan, and with his newfound celebrity he would become dumbstruck by fame and ironically die of something he contracted from a threeway with Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan.
- The Thing would become a civil rights activist and go on a Peta-esqu rampage, pelting people with rocks if they didn't start using a more politically correct term to refer to him. (FYI, no one should use the T-word in any situation especially when referring to someone of rock heritage. )
- The Spawn will denounce his dark side affiliation, become a Scientologist, and enter into a high profile relationship with Tom Cruise.
- The NAACP will go after Black Willow for painting a negative portrayal of the black culture.
Alas, being a superhero would be awesome, unless you became the useless guy from the Wondertwins, then it would suck. But, the point is, they just can't exist in the age of paparazzi, internet, and PC culture.