Thanksgiving is often the forgotten holiday. Maybe because it's sandwiched between Satan and Jesus's birthdays. Or maybe because it's on some weird Thursday that nobody knows about unless they buy a calendar or Google it. MAYBE it's because the only thing that happens is Americans overindulging on massive quantities of food like the gluttonous creatures they are—no different from any other day of the year.
Despite all of that, there are some sequences of events you simply can't avoid when "Turkey Day" rolls around—five to be exact.
1. Blacking Out the Night Before
By Thanksgiving Day, you should be hungover enough to not know which one is the main course.
On Thanksgiving Day you've got to spend hours of time with your extended family—those people you can't hold a conversation with. Great questions like, "You think we're in for a cold winter?" and whether you like sports or not, "Hey, how ‘bout them Cowboys?" lie ahead. Best not to think about that now. It's Wednesday. You should drink an inexplicable amount of Wild Turkey. Wash it down by complaining about your family to old friends you ran into at the bar who are also in town for the holidays.
In fact, drink enough that you also begin to reveal how much you hate your job and marriage/relationship. Your boss is a dirty scoundrel who underpays you, sure. Shout it out to your fellow patrons. Take a shot of turkey. Your sex life is in shambles, quite right. Mumble about it teary-eyed to that old high school classmate of yours. Another shot of turkey. Keep stumbling down the path of loneliness and despair until the lights in your head go out and the lights in the bar come on. After all, it's Wild Turkey Wednesday and you have a tradition to uphold.
2. Chafed Thighs
You've been asleep all of a few hours and are still quite drunk when the alarm sounds. It's time for this year's Turkey Trot! You haven't worked out in months. You always take the escalator or elevator if available rather than the stairs. Now in the dark hours of a freezing autumn morning, and with your luck light drizzling rain, you are going to attempt to jog a 5k.
You'll quickly realize how fat you are when your thighs start to chafe. You'll start to waddle like a penguin trying to avoid the friction. Then you'll get nipple bleeding due to chafing, thanks to the cold rain on your chest and an excruciating stomach cramp. Thankfully, the latter is due to the booze still heavy on your stomach. Finally, you'll vomit in a nearby bush. So at least that problem has been reconciled. Soldier on, just a few more k to go!
3. Terrible Artwork
Somehow you didn't die during the Turkey Trot and you've made it to Thanksgiving lunch. Swollen knees, burning inner thighs and an intestinal cramp, and all you want to do is sit down. Count back from 5,4,3…Here comes your cousin Shelly that you never speak to. She's joined by her type 2 diabetes diagnosed son, Riley (heavily breathing from the trek across the room). He wants to show you his "turkey" he made by tracing his hand.
Literally millions of these things exist from 2 graders dating back decades, but his might be the worst. He colored outside the lines for Christ's sake. You however, studied abroad in Europe. You've seen the Sistine Chapel. That was art. This is a sham. However, this is a holiday and fights are bound to happen at the table. Let this one slide by nodding your head and smiling. "Lovely turkey Riley. I think we've got a Michelangelo on our hands."
4. Impersonating a Roman Emperor
Whether you like sports or not, football will be on the television all day no matter where you go. Take this time to embrace the opportunity to impersonate a Roman emperor. Like a Roman emperor sitting atop the Coliseum sending gladiators to battle to the death for his amusement, you sit safely on your couch away from the action. Start by twiddling your fingers together and whispering to yourself in a slightly effeminate and European tone "Yes, let the games begin."
Next, grab a turkey leg and rub your fat privileged belly like a person of aristocratic decent. Let the cretins tackle each other while upholding the barbaric activity of pursuing a pig's skin. They're beneath you and exist solely for your entertainment. Remember that. You deserve this!
5. Embracing Naive Americans
That isn't a misspelling. The final Thanksgiving traditional to uphold is to be a naive American and forget all about the Native Americans. The history books tell us that the people we so disrespectfully refer to as "Indians" gave white people corn and such while welcoming them with open arms.
To keep this tradition alive you must ignore any facts you know about white people stealing land from Native Americans. Nevermind the truth about how the only thing given back to them in exchange for imperializing their homeland are a bunch of slots and casino chips. Thanks for giving us your land. Don't forget to cozy up in a warm blanket after the meal; surely it's smallpox-free.
Bonus Tradition
The only real way to fully subject yourself to Thanksgiving traditions is to give in to capitalism. Clip coupons all afternoon after stuffing your face. Then, take a nap, because you're going Black Friday shopping as soon as the doors open at midnight! Nothing says "Happy Thanksgiving" like fist fighting a stranger for an action figure—in other words, "Merry Christmas."