High school graduates all over the country are gearing up for college and have no idea what to anticipate or expect. Move-in day is still a couple of months away, but the aroma of cargo shorts and freshly purchased lanyards is already filling the air, so I decided to deliver some of the most valuable, first-hand knowledge and advice I could think of for all the incoming freshmen dudes out there.
1. Wear Your Varsity Jacket AMAP (as much as possible)
The absolute lamest thing you could ever wear around campus as a college freshman is something that doesn't show off your high school athletic achievements. By wearing your letterman jacket on the first day of classes, you let everyone know right off the bat that:
- You got laid A LOT in high school.
- You're athletic.
- You're SO athletic that you obtained a varsity letter.
Sliding your limbs into the warm, leather sleeves of a high school varsity jacket is like typing in the cheat code for "unlimited bitches" on the PS2 controller of life.
2. Maintain a Budget
Before you spend money on anything, it is important that you first purchase all the items necessary and essential to being a college student:
- Longboard: $150
- Stickers for Longboard: $30
- 10 Different Bob Marley Posters: $100
- Brazzers Membership: $119.88
- Custom Vape Pen: $80
- Tanning Package: $70
- Having an Infinite Amount of Swagger and Hoes: Priceless
Then, set aside specific dollar amounts for extracurricular spending on activities that cost money, such as shopping, bowling, going to the movies, freebasing cocaine, and having sexual intercourse.
3. Get Involved on Campus
Joining clubs, organizations, or intramural teams are all great ways to let everyone know that you suck ass. The best way to get involved and meet new people in college is by selling drugs out of your dorm room. If you're distributing marijuana, make sure you leave it out in the open by your door so that potential customers can easily detect the smell from the hallway.
4. Wear Protection
I can't stress this one enough. ALWAYS make sure you put on a condom before entering a house party or dance club to prevent secondhand STDs, the leading cause of death among college students in the United States. If you're going to be casually dancing/grinding with random girls, then put double bag that shit to lower the risk of any accidental pregnancies.
5. Travel in Packs to Parties
The only sure-fire way to guarantee that you'll be accepted into parties is by showing up in a large pack, all dudes. Every guy in your group should also use the same Axe body spray and wear similar outfits so that you distinctly stand out to girls and are intimidating to other guys. No one is going to mess with a group of vape-smoking bros wearing matching neon tank tops and high top Nike socks.
So there you have it fellas: five quality tips that will set you straight on the path to a successful college experience filled with an abundance of memories and women.