Single this holiday season? Feeling pretty lonely beside your no-bake marshmallow casserole at the last friendsgiving? We have recipes that won't just wow your hosts, but are guaranteed to land you some potluck peen!
1. Spinach Dip Served-Warm-From-His-Lap
This recipe is great for carpooling. Insist that you drive, then saddle him with the task of holding your dish in his lap. The warmth of the ceramic on his upper thighs is sure to put Mr. P on the map. Then, at every red light, stick those fingers deep into that dip. Who cares if he thinks it's unsanitary for the other guests? Doesn't he know that the whole point is to dip your fingers anywhere except your own gooey center?
2. Say-What's-In-This-Drink Peppermint Swizzle
Why not cut right to the chase and bring booze? And when he's not looking you can muddle in that little blue pill you found and kept as a joke that isn't funny anymore. The taste of straight peppermint schnapps will mask even the stench of your desperation.
3. Stop-Talking-About-Brianne Cheese Loaf
He'll be utterly incapable of talking about his new Tinder match when you insist he tastes your baked brie-loaf. Serve with breadsticks, the function of which are three fold: they are dry as fuck and will require him to shovel more cheese into his mouth as you offhandedly mention how uncomfortable your bra is; they are dick shaped so you can clutch one suggestively in your hand before “accidentally” dropping it in your lap; and, thirdly, because who the fuck can balance melted cheese on a breadstick? It will inevitably fall on his new slacks. You will be there to blot the grease stain with your excitedly trembling hands, and he will have no escape.
4. Mash-Out-Your-Sexual-Frustration Potatoes
The holidays are a time of generosity but also of reflection. Maybe you should address how eager you seem by mashing some potatoes into complete oblivion before targeting your ideal coat room make-out victim. If it's been more than six months, or if you've been ghosted more than twice this year, try mashing them before boiling.
5. Butter-His-Nut Squash Pie with Whip
This recipe is high maintenance, unlike you since your breakup two years ago. It requires you to peel, cube, and roast a whole squash, blend it with a bunch of cream and sugar and shit, then bake the whole mess in a pie tin. But who are you to complain? It's either whip that cream by hand or stay home and watch your squash rot from the inside just like your neglected lady parts.
6. Write-To-Me Quiche Lorraine
If all these attempts fail, you will probably be tried for sexual assault. Bake a quiche the night before with a sharpened spoon inside. If he's a decent guy, he'll send it to you. Little does he know it's so you can dig your way out of your prison cell and casually drop by his house covered in a muddy orange jumpsuit. If he still thinks you're “unstable” and “tries to call the police,” maybe ask if he has any single friends. There are plenty of fish in the free world!