A Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dental Questionnaire

Thank you for scheduling an appointment for your child with Serene Smiles Pediatric Dentistry, the Most Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dentist in the Tri-State Area. To help make sure their appointment is a smooth one, please fill out and submit this questionnaire before arriving:

1. How long have you been putting this off?
   1. One year.
   2. Three years.
   3. Five years.
   4. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
2. Did you know that if you put off sending your child to a pediatrician for that long, there’s a good chance the state would come after you, but if you do it with a pediatric dentist, everyone is just kind of like, whatever?
   1. It really is an outrage.
   2. No one has it harder these days than dentists.
   3. Especially pediatric dentists.
   4. And thank you for using the term “pediatrician” instead of “doctor” in the question, as everyone knows that dentists are doctors as well.
3. When you let your child eat five lollipops in one day because you were going through some stuff, did you do so under the assumption that no one would ever ask you about it?
   1. Yes.
   2. One of them was sugarfree, I’m pretty sure.
4. Does your child snack frequently in between meals?
   1. I mean, define “frequently.”
   2. Like, yeah, they snack sometimes, but not that often. Like, there are definitely parts of the day when they are not consuming food.
   3. Plus, isn’t it healthier to eat a bunch of smaller meals rather than three big ones anyway, according to that one study I dimly remember reading part of seven years ago?
   4. I am a good parent; that’s the main takeaway here.
5. How often does your child use a pacifier?
   1. I am invoking my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.
6. How often does your child brush their teeth?
   1. Twice a day, but one of those times is usually not with toothpaste.
   2. Once a day, but most of it ends up on their toes, which are very clean and free of cavities.
   3. Let’s just say “semi-regularly” and not ask any additional questions.
   4. All of these teeth are going to fall out soon enough anyway, right? So can’t we just take a mulligan on this set?
7. How often does your child floss?
   1. Wait, are you kidding me?
   2. Do you have any idea the amount of energy and mental anguish it takes just to get my toddler to move a toothbrush close enough to his mouth to make me pretty sure at least some of it got on one of his teeth?
   3. And then after that I’m supposed to be like, “OK, great work Johnny! Now Daddy is going to take this tiny piece of string and shove it between each of your teeth until blood comes pouring out of your gums! Won’t that be fun?”
   4. Twice a day, actually. My kid loves flossing. It’s weird.
8. Do you actually care that all of the magazines in our waiting room are old, or would you be secretly disappointed if we made sure we had the latest issues of them, as it would deprive you of something to lightheartedly complain about with others?
   1. The latter.
   2. Hacky jokes about old magazines in waiting rooms just feel like one of the last things we still have in common these days, you know?
9. When was the last time you went to the dentist?
   1. Hey, back off, buddy. This appointment is about my kid, not me.