A Ranking of Pigs by Whose Heart I Most Want as a Transplant

“In a medical first, doctors transplanted a pig heart into a patient in a last-ditch effort to save his life and a Maryland hospital said Monday that he’s doing well three days after the highly experimental surgery.” — Associated Press, January 10, 2022

Hamm from Toy Story

Manufactured from plastic, Hamm should be the last option on anybody's transplant list. Hamm is known to eject his cork from his belly and discharge all of his retained coins whenever he takes a hard fall, as strong an indicator as one could ever hope to get that his internal organs are scrambled beyond repair.

Miss Piggy

Miss Piggy is believed to have copulated with a frog. Cross-species intercourse like this usually breeds dangerous new diseases. While the heart may be immune to the dubious charms of her singing voice, no heart is safe from the unholy viruses Miss Piggy likely spawned from her loins. Erratic behavior and a volatile mood all contribute to the medical consensus that Miss Piggy is not of sound mind and, by extension, of sound body.

Peppa Pig

Strong, healthy, and well-exercised in daily playtime, Peppa is a prime candidate for consideration. The British government, however, has put a moratorium on the genetic modification of pigs for human organ transplant designation, so if you like your ventricles with a side of tea, you're going to have to wait at least a few years.

Spoink (Pokemon)

The PokeDex states that “if this Pokemon ever stops bouncing up and down, its heart will stop.” Hard pass.

The Three Little Pigs

The Three Little Pigs have the advantage that we have the most extensive family history on them of any of our candidates—not just the main donor, but also his two brothers serve as reference points. While bright enough to build houses, the pigs have raised some concerns with their wild inconsistency from brother to brother, often switching favored building materials on a whim. Science suggests that this may be an indicator of genetic neurological disorder. The overabundance of hair on their chinny chin chins is unusual and a possible sign of mutation, suspected to be a consequence of inbreeding. Avoid at all costs.

Napoleon from Animal Farm

The real Stalin died of a heart attack in his 70s, so one can only assume that an allegory for Stalin is a risky choice for anybody seeking a heart.

Piglet

Piglet is a well-known and beloved pop culture icon who is, regrettably, too nervous to be considered a strong candidate for total heart replacement. His timidity suggests a faintness of heart that increases the likelihood of stress-induced infarction and angina. As the only porker on this list wearing an insulating jumper, one can conclude that he lacks a well-functioning circulatory system, no doubt a consequence of keeping company with an indolent and honey-mad bear for decades. Piglet is kind-hearted, but that doesn't mean that you need to be weak-hearted.

Pumbaa

While Pumbaa's robust singing voice and boisterous demeanor suggest a cardiovascular system that is functioning at its highest level, any doctor would be skeptical of a pig whose flatulence is so noxious that it can instantly wilt down-wind flora. Evidence suggests that Pumbaa's gut health is sub-optimal which means that you will be opening yourself to contamination if you accept the heart of this wild boar.

Porky Pig

Most people first think of the stutter when thinking of Porky Pig, but the optics problem may present an opportunity for the enterprising surgeon to get a quality heart at a discounted price. Aphasia is not an indicator of abnormal aortic function. Porky's penchant for high-quality suits and his long-term, steady employment with Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. point towards an ambition not for the faint of heart. If bacon is on your menu in the surgical suite, you could do worse than this stuttering sow.