You are receiving this survey because you have been identified as one of the thirty-seven members of the corporate marketing team present in conference room AB during the monthly global sync when The Incident occurred. I hope this form will be clarifying for both of us—allowing you to understand my perspective, and me to understand why I have been so wrongly maligned.
During the monthly global sync I attempted to draw a sort of chart (“The Incident”).
Knowing that I have zero visual or graphics abilities of any kind, please rate my responsibility for what followed by circling a number on the following scale, 1 meaning “not responsible” to 5 meaning “even less responsible.”
1 2 3 4 5
At what point did you realize the graphic I was drawing bore a loose resemblance to male genitalia? Please complete the following sentence:
After I drew _____.
(1) the shaft
(2) the first ball
(3) the second ball
Can we agree that I was only circling different columns of text, two short and one long, and therefore it was actually the person whiteboarding the text (Arthur the Intern) who deserved to receive censure from HR as regards to The Incident?
Rank the following individuals by their culpability using the following scale, 1 meaning “responsible” to 5 meaning “even more responsible”.
[ ] Arthur the Intern
[ ] Arthur the Intern’s manager
[ ] The whiteboard manufacturer
[ ] Dry erase marker suppliers
[ ] The sick individual who invented social media marketing
When I added squiggly lines to indicate the impact of the ideas encircled in the testicular word clouds, was it clear that I was emphasizing the reach of ideas and not drawing pubes?
Please select one:
(1) The ideas seemed impactful
(2) The ideas seemed like pubes
When I tripped over the cord supplying power to the polycom, somehow triggering the screen to be broadcast to the home page of our company-wide intranet, and—accidentally—adding a random line to the shaft column that some interpreted as a “dick vein,” did you think of warning me?
Please select one:
(1) I would never question a competent professional woman
(2) Yes, but I am weak and pathetic and my name is Arthur
When, seeking to indicate the synergy between the subjects recorded in the shaft column and key talking points for our CEO, I drew a stick figure labeled “CEO” and a dashed line from his mouth down to the bottom of the shaft column, isn’t it obvious that such a dashed line could NOT represent semen because it would then be moving BACKWARD?
Please select one:
(1) Agree
(2) Bisagree but I’m not an expert in physics
At this point, Arthur the intern snapped a photo of me at the board (unflattering) and posted it to Reddit with the caption “no bc whyd [sic] this lady at my office draw an [eggplant emoji]?” Can we acknowledge that his sloppy syntax is just one element of his appalling lack of professionalism?
Please select which statement best encapsulates the information above:
(1) His syntax is bad
(2) His professionalism is lacking
(3) All of the above
Your responses are being recorded. Do NOT refresh this page. Use this time to reflect on the cost-benefit analysis of hiring interns with large social media followings and inversely sized knacks for discretion.
When, a week later, “DickGirl” became a trending topic on X (formerly known as Twitter) and an internet culture reporter at The New York Times wrote a story called “Who is ‘DickGirl’ and why is everyone laughing at her?” was it really necessary to also fire me?
Please write a 250-word argument outlining why I should have my job back:
Click here to send your argument to my former manager.
Rorschach Test: The graphic below reflects a random assortment of keyboard symbols:
8===D~~~~
Are you seriously going to tell me that looks like a dick?
Please select one:
(1) Yes (pervert)
(2) No (normal)
Please note: some respondents have suggested this is a known representation of a dick. This further emphasizes my point: I am dickblind. I do not see dicks, let alone intentionally draw them.
Reflecting on the graphic above, acknowledging the imperfections and limitations of our own pattern-seeking minds, might it not be possible that I only intended to draw an innocent non-graphic chart, and that one social media manager’s helpful diagram is another’s phallic imagery that goes viral and leads to speculation about C-Suite incompetence, inadvertently causing the destruction of millions in shareholder value?
Type the following phrase into the box below: YES
[ ]
Hypothetically speaking, has this whole thing blown over and DickGirl can resume normal activities like grocery shopping and visiting various other public spaces without hearing chants of “DickGirl! DickGirl!” ?
Please select one:
(1) Yes
(2) Give it time
Comment Box (this feature has been disabled)
Clarification: Please stop sending your own dick pics to my manager. It is not helping my case.