Dear Megatron,
I’ve been earning money from my paper route to buy smoke detectors so I can stockpile the radioactive americium. Last week, my parents found that along with my thorium and yellowcake uranium hidden under my mattress. Dad gave me a severe talking to and hauled my homemade breeder reactor to the trash. Without a nuclear reactor, how will I power my island fortress? How will I power a time machine so I can go back and make sure Gus Spivy’s parents never meet?
Yours truly,
“Doctor” Jimmy Plutonium
Dear Jimmy,
Dealing with family can be life’s most difficult challenge. As the first people a vulnerable child meets, family is the training ground for interacting with others. You may be tempted brainwash your parents with the zombie-ant fungus or freeze them in liquid nitrogen and use radiation to accelerate the growth of replacement clones taken from their cells. While this would be a temporary fix, it would not get to your root problem. The real solution is to grow by learning from this experience. After self-reflection, you will understand that mere mortals, like your parents, are as insignificant as ants that must be allowed crushed when they dare interfere with your schemes.
All the best,
Megatron
Dear Megatron,
I met this guy, let’s call him Lex, and I think he might be the one. I’ve always heard the third date is the time to share your plans for world domination. Is that too soon?
Sincerely,
Oxytocin Annie
Dear Annie,
Ah, to be young again. I remember feeling alienated and alone at your age. Then a lovely woman came along. She really seemed to get me. We danced to death metal and dined on carpaccio while watching steel jaws crush cars at the junkyard. I thought that she would be my paramour but when I told her of my scheme to release vampire armadillos in the New York subway, she did not share my enthusiasm. Fortunately, forty rounds of electroconvulsive therapy eliminated her desire to share my plans with the authorities. We could have gone on but the spark was gone.
My point is that young people become intimate too soon. And what is more intimate than a plan for world domination? My advice is to take it slow.
Start small by building a giant robot that can punch through a bank vault or deorbiting the International Space Station so it crashes into the White House, together. After suitable felonies, you will know if your dream guy is the right man for you.
All the best,
Megatron
Dear Megatron,
Using a dark-energy projector, I opened a communication link to a parallel universe called the iota dimension and contacted !4rEmolade to convey my invasion plan to the Great GRX*L. My plan calls for hijacking the world’s power grid to open a portal that would allow mechadroid battle bots from the iota dimension through. I assumed that in reward for betraying humanity and swearing allegiance to the iota dimension, the Great GRX*L would make me governor of Earth but !4rEmolade is taking credit for my plan. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Planetary Quisling
Dear Planetary Quisling,
After family and relationships, workplace issues are the biggest stressors in a mad scientist’s life. You could set up an ambush that would cut down the mecadroid battle bots as they come through the portal and stick !4rEmolade with the blame. This would give you the satisfaction of revenge but you would lose the chance of becoming governor of Earth as well as an opportunity for personal growth. I suggest discussing this with !4rEmolade.
Do so in person, not in an email, over the phone, nor through a trans-dimensional communication link. It’s best to use I-statements such as, “When you absconded with the stolen diamonds, I felt that you didn’t appreciate my contribution to the jewelry heist.”
In my personal experience, I find that suspending a problem coworker over a piranha-filled vat of boiling acid or attaching a remote-controlled bomb to their family works wonders when communicating my grievances. Above all, remain professional. If the one-on-one doesn’t work, consider contacting HR.
All the best,
Megatron