All Politicians Are the Same

All politicians are the same. All politicians have zero interest and zero time to fix the system in which they’re flourishing. All politicians eventually come to relish working in a system which seems to incentivize corruption. All politicians have a propensity to demonize the other side. All politicians use power to eventually make themselves wealthy. All politicians have mistaken wasabi for their contact lens solution and ended up in the ER. All politicians want to have sex with Paul Rudd. All politicians have taken a shit in an unlocked Ford Aerostar when they could not locate a port-a-potty. All politicians secretly want to start chanting “Donna Martin Graduates” at every one of their rallies. All uncircumcised politicians like to see how many Skittles they can shove inside their foreskin. All circumcised politicians wish they could do this. All non-cis male politicians tend not to like Skittles.

All politicians would like Jim Davis to testify before Congress as to why Garfield likes lasagne so much as their experience with felines would indicate that cats typically do not like Italian food. All politicians have listened to Pet Shop Boys’ and Dusty Springfield’s 1987 hit “What Have I Done to Deserve This?” and wondered if it might be the closest thing to perfection they have ever heard. All politicians believe that with the right lighting, they could make black skinny jeans and a black leather jacket look as good as Justin Theroux does.

All politicians seem repulsed when you say that all politicians are the same. It’s a bit of a chicken-and-egg scenario. Are politicians corrupt going into office or do they get corrupted once there? Power or access to power will inevitably draw corruption to it. Also, all politicians like chicken wings. While some may have a preference for the drumette to the wingette and while they may disagree with regard to the right amount of heat for the Buffalo sauce, they all like chicken wings. Also, all politicians had grandmothers who made deviled eggs for potluck suppers. All politicians eschew the existence of boneless wings. All politicians, if Kelloggs gave them enough money, would happily introduce legislation to replace the bald eagle with Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam as the national bird. All politicians periodically attempt to reenact Stevie Nicks’ “Stand Back” by donning a flowy robe and pointing the hair dryer at their face. All politicians sometimes wonder why Skittles is the candy of choice for uncircumcised politicians to shove inside their foreskin and why not Reese’s Pieces or M&Ms or Tic-Tacs.

All politicians have a great aunt that smells like Jean Nate bath splash and mothballs. All politicians wonder what Aaron Rodgers smells like. And Ethan Hawke too. Even politicians who have met Ethan Hawke wonder if they got close enough to him to really ingest his aroma. All politicians have watched the video for Pet Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield’s “What Have I Done to Deserve This?” and wondered how Dusty could get such a near-perfect smoky eye while singing such a near-perfect song. All politicians are comforted knowing Rosa Parks lived long enough to see Daniel Craig become James Bond and Christian Bale become Batman. All politicians fill up their bathtubs with marinara sauce, hop in, and pretend they’re a meatball.

All politicians would like to give the FDA funding to cross-pollinate an apple and an orange to create the orple. All politicians fear losing, becoming irrelevant, getting eaten by a shark, accidentally hitting “share” on one of their regular porn sites like that fuckstain Ted Cruz did that one time, making eye contact with one of those giant fucking furry moths you see on National Geographic now and again, and being shoved off the top of the Burj Khalifa while making a secret deal with some sketchy Saudi oil guy who said, “let’s meet in Dubai—it’ll be fun!” All politicians have dared an uncircumcised politician to see how much Pop-Rocks (or some other carbon dioxide gasified candy) they can shove inside their foreskin.

All politicians would like to see a little less Civil War reenacting and a little more Stevie Nicks reenacting. All politicians find the spoken word interlude in Taylor Swift’s “We are Never Getting Back Together” beautiful as it really reveals her authentic self. Same with the spoken word interlude in Britney Spears’ “Oops…I Did It Again.” They also all love the spoken word interlude in Michael Jackson’s “The Girl is Mine” between Michael and Paul McCartney. All politicians love a good spoken-word interlude. Furthermore, all politicians love the spoken word intro to Prince’s “U Got the Look.” All politicians love when a power ballad has a rousing gospel chorus for a bridge. Like Foreigner’s “I Wanna Know What Love Is.” All politicians love the PT Cruiser, Panda Express, and instant pudding.

All politicians get misty-eyed when they hear the story of how Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant—in defiance of his record company—insisted that Dusty Springfield sing the duet part on “What Have I Done to Deserve This?” and created magic. All politicians wish they could have Neil Tennant's conviction. All politicians wish they could be part of Scooby Doo’s gang. All politicians have secretly wondered how many medieval troops a secret alliance of Darth Vader and Yoda would be able to take on before Darth and Yoda would be vanquished.

All politicians practice making faces in the mirror so they know how they look when pretending to be surprised, moved, sad, happy, interested, or kind. All politicians have drunk their own piss after taking shrooms in an effort to get re-shroomed. All politicians periodically wrap themselves up in a deer carcass and scare neighborhood dogs. All politicians yearn to dance like no one is watching. All politicians sometimes sit on the floor when no one is home and pretend to be a crumb.