Jeremy: We gotta stick with our bread and butter—penis enlargement content has been our meal ticket for years. Why stop now?
Ryan: Because we are dealing with a more sophisticated audience! Have you opened Snapchat lately? It’s basically a less ethical version of us!
Jeremy: All right fine. But look at the pie chart for God's sakes! Last year we made over a billion in revenue from penis pills alone! Don’t you think we should double down on that demographic?
Ryan: I’m telling you, if we continue to bet on this big-penis-pill-cash-cow, eventually we’ll become dependent on it. We need to diversify —
Jeremy: We do! We have! Look at our diversity of dicks! Every color under the sun! Hell, if a Martian landed on Earth tomorrow we would have ads promising them bigger penises ready to go. No matter who you are, we promise a bigger penis in big, flashing letters! It’s a beautiful metaphor in a lot of ways.
Ryan: I’m talking about diversifying content, not penises. Obviously, our dick pill numbers are good, nobody’s denying that. But I’m more concerned with that small sliver of the chart there, what’s that about?
Jeremy: Ah, yes, that’s our revenue from our “Russian Singles In Your Area” ad campaign. I’ll be honest, I’m surprised we’ve made half this much money on those things. Those “singles” aren't real.
Ryan: Exactly! Let me ask you this, do any of those dick pills actually make your penis bigger?
Jeremy: No, of course not.
Ryan: Bingo! So if we can make that much money off a product that doesn’t work, why can’t we do it with another?
Jeremy: I don’t follow…
Ryan: What happens when somebody starts chatting with a “single Russian in their area” in one of our online chat rooms?
Jeremy: Usually one of our interns works overtime responding in sexy broken English.
Ryan: And will the user ever meet a sexy Russian single in their area?
Jeremy: No definitely not…I don’t think I’ve ever met a Russian person period, actually…
Ryan: Precisely! So if we can beef up our Russian singles content we could be doubling our profits, making the same money we do with the dick pills!
Jeremy: It just might work! You’re doing God’s work here my friend! You must be one of those Harvard boys the firm brought in.
Ryan: Yale, actually. Listen, we can’t stop with just the Russian singles stuff. We need something new, something revolutionary.
Jeremy: (masturbating absentmindedly) Take me there.
Ryan: What’s the one thing missing from porn?
Jeremy: Hmm…videos about forbidden love, taboo stuff like incest?
Ryan: What? No, there’s tons of that. Think bigger. Let’s do an exercise, ready?
Jeremy: (climaxing) Yea, I’m ready.
Ryan: Take me through your masturbation process. Tell me everything you do from start to finish. If you’re comfortable with this, that is.
Jeremy: (wiping his hand on his trousers) Well, it is a little unusual, but what the hell.
Ryan: Whenever you’re ready.
Jeremy: Well, typically it’ll all start once I get aroused by something, like a cement mixer or a nature documentary or an overripe grapefruit, you know, sexual stuff like that.
Ryan: Of course, go on.
Jeremy: Well at that point it’s basically a foregone conclusion that I’ll be masturbating within the next ten to fifteen minutes. So usually I’ll make some excuse to my wife about how I have to shower or something—
Ryan: What if you’ve already showered that day? And I’m sorry to interrupt.
Jeremy: Not at all, that’s an excellent question. If I’ve already showered I’ll typically just pour something sticky on my head like honey or maple syrup and pretend it was an accident. My wife thinks I’m a complete idiot at this point but it works every time.
Ryan: So you’ll pour maple syrup directly onto your head and tell your wife you need to take a shower, every time?
Jeremy: More or less yeah. And, while I am fully erect at this point in the process, I’ve barely scratched the surface of my routine, so please, let’s keep the interruptions to a minimum.
Ryan: Certainly, please continue.
Jeremy: So anyway, I’ll go up to our bathroom and turn on the shower. Here’s the kicker; I’m not gonna take a shower, it’s just a decoy.
Ryan: But aren’t you covered in honey, or maple syrup or something?
Jeremy: Yeah but that’s not important now. And please, the interruptions.
Ryan: Right, sorry, go ahead.
Jeremy: Ok, so, the shower’s blasting, which will cover up the sound. And before you interrupt again, yes it’s fairly noisy the way I do it. Any-who, at this point I’ll go ahead and strip naked, just for the fuck of it. Then I’ll open up Pornhub (out of brand loyalty) and over the next thirteen minutes, I’ll watch videos of increasing depravity until eventually, I finish prematurely, usually during that weird thirty-second exposition part of the video where they’re just chatting fully clothed…I have a thing for terrible actors. From there I’ll hop in the shower, rinse off convincingly enough, get dressed and walk back downstairs like nothing happened.
Ryan: Hmm…perhaps this wasn’t a great exercise. You know, I’d better get going…
Jeremy: Wait! You were about to reveal some great new strategy. We were going to be rich!
Ryan: We’ll have to leave it for another time. The penis pills are great, let’s keep pushing those. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
Jeremy: Are you ok? Why are you so sweaty all of a sudden? Was it something I said?
Ryan: Er…uhm…well yes, I suppose some elements of your story were a bit…Nevermind, we’ll pick this up tomorrow.
Jeremy: You got it boss (shrugging and getting up to leave).
Ryan: (unbuttoning his pants) And we have a strategy meeting tomorrow at 9, don’t forget. Great work today!
Jeremy: (mumbling) This is exactly where we left off yesterday…