Goats
Santa rejected goats as soon as they came in for an interview and he saw that their impressive beards might overshadow his own magnificent mane.
Platypuses
An intriguing option, Santa decided against members of this interesting species after concluding that they’re too fucking weird.
Penguins
The commute from the South to the North Pole simply took too long.
Tuna
Although an underwater sled seemed promising in theory, it was disastrous in real life.
Humans
Santa was pressured by the UN to discontinue using humans after news broke of the unethical treatment of his workers, which included tying people together and forcing them to pull a sleigh that held enough gifts for every kid in the world, keeping them from their families on Christmas Eve, and beating them senselessly if they made any mistakes.
Mandrills
These colorful primates originally appeared to be a good option, but they all have red noses and the lessons of Rudolph’s story essentially became moot.
Seahawks
While an animal that actually flies seemed to be a natural fit, Santa decided against the birds that share the name of Seattle’s football team, explaining that it would only make their fans even more insufferable. He also noted that “seahawks” don’t actually exist.
Turtles
Too slow.
Snakes
Too scary!
Robots
Santa briefly thought about replacing reindeer with machines before realizing that their work intimately involving Christmas Spirit would cause them to become sentient and develop feelings, inevitably culminating in the ability to love and therefore bringing about the destruction of mankind.
Ants
Able to carry up to 100 times their own weight, ants were an effective option until Santa accidentally stepped on several, killing them instantly.
Deer
Santa fired these knockoff reindeer after they thoroughly damaged the prestige of his brand.
Polar Bears
Jesus, Santa sure screwed the pooch on this one. Polar bears made perfect sense: dangerous and cool but also cute and cuddly, legitimately from the North Pole, and symbolic of climate change’s horrific effects on Santa’s Arctic home. Just imagine eight polar bears soaring through the air on a cold winter’s night as they deliver presents to children around the world. It would truly be a glorious image. What a shame. What a shame.