I wanted to motivate you, but all the CrossFit weight loss plans, wealth-building strategies, and sleep schedule hacks were already covered. It appears that the Internet has hit its quota on those.
Instead, I present you with the concept of CloseTabuary. Please help make it a thing for the sake of our mental health…
Do you live for the dopamine rush of clicking new web links, then regretting the effort required to read the information you clicked for? Are you addicted to click?
Like you, many have already given up their New Year’s goals. Because your goals were too lofty. Forget aiming to transport your electric car to Mars or jogging at 5am. Instead, start small, aim for minimalism.
Keeping tabs open is the best way to remind you about them, as opposed to bookmarking then never checking bookmarks again. Open pages are an effective strategy to guilt yourself into facing the content, as if you’re working for that damn web page, depleting your mental and battery energy whenever you open a device.
Seeing that unread blog tab makes you feel slightly sad, like when you neglected your upstairs fern and it died.
Not closing a web page is just another form of procrastination, which makes us human. I’m sure there must be half-finished cave paintings of mammoths.
The 15th century gave us the Gutenberg press, allowing mostly bearded old dudes to leave dog-eared and unread stacks of books on their desks, the first real iteration of the unclosed Internet tab.
Keep your procrastination on its toes.
By only starting CloseTabuary now, your procrastination is thinking, “Wait, no more New Year’s resolutions to torpedo? Bonus, let’s download new game apps.” But you’re smarter than that; you’re implementing your resolution later. Or at least this one resolution, which is really good, I’m getting there.
Is there a way to check the date when you opened a tab? Some of your web pages are so old that technology’s changed since you conjured them onto your screen, or the original website no longer exists.
Why do you still have an open MySpace login page?
Do you really care so much about how beehives work? Then why open (but not watch) three video tutorials? What’s the world record for longest time a tab has remained unread?
Perhaps you currently have 90 tabs agape over several devices; including on old phones and tablets that you intend to revisit. You know, to eventually read about the history of macroeconomics and crocheting and the state of the global wheat industry, two years ago.
How much computer processing power is used to run so many tabs? Is it possible to get a computer to stop working with too many?
Get to the point, man.
Consider your family. Not to bleaken your mood, but if you passed away, would you want to leave your family the admin and horror of closing your tabs? This would only lead to confusion.
“We never knew he was so interested in making paper sculptures,” they’ll say, sadly, “he didn’t even own a sharp pair of scissors.”
X those tabs.
Here’s how:
1. Bite the bullet and close all tabs.
If you love a tab, set it free. If it was meant to be, that tab will eventually return to your timeline.
You can then re-open it, like a prodigal son or lost love, only to leave it unread for another six months… sitting there like a puppy, waiting for you to pet it. Shame on you.
2. One day at a time.
Commit to closing one tab a day. Tick that tab off your reading list. Just don’t end up with three more tabs by the end of the post. Remember, digital media is out to trap you with hyperlinks and clickbait. They know how you think, don’t fall for their tricky links.
3. Develop an app.
One that closes tabs after a set amount of time. Let’s collaborate on this, I’ve done my part by coming up with the idea. Don’t be lazy, implement it for us.
4. Mail links to yourself.
Or paste them into a Word document. Then never look at them again from the comfort of a neat desktop.
What about bookmarking all open links?
Don’t waste your time.
Clutter is bad for your mental health. Aim for web minimalism. You don’t keep boxes of junk piled around your desk, do you?
You do? That explains a lot, and may require more help than this succinct read.
Yes, CloseTabuary is clever wordplay, like Movember or Rocktober. But truth is, it doesn’t only have to happen in January or February. You can close tabs at any time of the year. So get clicking.
Because you’ve read this far, may I suggest one final tab: Empire: How to Succeed with Nothing but Passion, Great Ideas and Wealthy Family is a satirical memoir about succeeding in marketing and media, while providing you with tasty life and business tips. Like being a Trump kid, but a lot funnier.