Hey losers, still trying to prove your worth by doing the Tide Pod Challenge? Think again. The Tide Pod Challenge is for BABIES, WHINER BABIES, not actual CHAMPIONS. If you want to prove YOUR WORTH AS A MAN, then you need to model your strength after the ULTIMATE AMERICAN HERO: Lightning McQueen, from Disney Pixar's Cars.
What is the Lightning McQueen Challenge?
If you have to ask, then you're obviously a puny weenie who has NO SELF-WORTH. Only true MANLY MEN know and understand the Lightning McQueen Challenge.
However, if you’re a former Tide Pod-eating weenie who’s ready to take on a quest for glory, then you have a chance at redemption. The Lightning McQueen Challenge was created by a like-minded group of genius men who were tired of the same boring, wimpy challenges like the Ice Bucket Challenge and the Cinnamon Challenge. They realized men were losing their place in society and needed something to prove their DOMINANCE OVER EVERYTHING.
Doing something that brings awareness and gives to charity? Don’t be a stupid snowflake, charity is for babies.
Here's how the Lightning McQueen Challenge works. Listen carefully, because mess even one step up and you’re done.
First, you will be put in the Tow Mater Garage of SHAME. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ERROR IN THIS CHALLENGE. In order to be a WINNER, you need to drink an entire gallon of gasoline.
Sounds, easy, right? WRONG. You can't chug it fast, like a pussy. You need to drink it from a straw like a GODDAMN CHAMPION.
Did Lightning McQueen reluctantly gulp that Dinoco Fuel when he beat Chick Hicks at the Piston Cup? NO. He savored it like it was the best damn thing he ever tasted, and that’s what you need to do in order to succeed in the challenge. The gallon of gasoline needs to be drunk slowly, in quarter increments by someone who is worthy enough to carry the mantle of America’s greatest hero.
Next, after drinking your first quarter of gasoline, you need to emulate Lightning, the greatest athlete who will ever live. Put the container down and scream Lightning’s legendary catchphrase “KA-CHOW!” with the utmost pride. Don’t just utter these immortal words in your normal, hideous voice. Say the phrase in the PROPER VOICE. You must do your best impression of Owen Wilson, the actor who voices Lightning in the biopics about his life. You must say “KA-CHOW!” in your best Owen Wilson voice while running around an empty race car track 10 times in a row. And no “jogging” or muttering “I don’t feel that great” after drinking pure gasoline, YOU’RE A CHAMPION IN THE MAKING, SUCK IT UP.
After drinking the first quarter of gas, repeat until you finish the ENTIRE gallon. You must consume every drop of gasoline, no drops left behind. The TRUE MEN drink the whole gallon without complaint. Those who balk at the idea or express worry about death are automatically eliminated for COWARDICE.
Think finishing the gallon is easy? That all it takes it drinking more quarters and running around saying “KA-CHOW!” in Owen Wilson's voice? WRONG, LOSERS.
As you continue your quest to win the Lightning McQueen challenge there are side effects you must overcome. Did you forget that the only species to drink gasoline successfully are cars? Did you also forget that when humans drink gasoline they run the risk of transforming into cars?
In order to complete the Lightning McQueen Challenge, you must avoid turning into a car. While your goal is to emulate Lightning, it is essential to maintain your human form. What’s the point of proving your manhood if you give in to the powers of gasoline and turn into a car? Answer: THERE IS NO POINT. If you think allowing your hands and feet to transform into tires after round two, or your face to become a windshield after round four is an option, then you might as well lay in your mommy’s lap and eat Tide Pods.
You must use your inherent male strength to RESIST the urge to transform. If you can drink an entire gallon of gas, run around a race track 50 times screaming “KA-CHOW!” AND resist transforming into a car, then you, my friend, have won the Lightning McQueen Challenge. You are the ultimate champion. No one can bring you down. You, sir, are a king amongst men.
KA-CHOW! and Godspeed.