Oh God, what is that? No, not the eyeless woman wielding a butcher knife in front of a crayon rendition of your house. Look at the blood pooling in the foreground. The perspective is completely off!
When you attend an emergency parent-teacher conference to discuss your child’s grisly art, the last thing you want is to be embarrassed by their lack of creative sophistication.
Not all children can be possessed by the spirit of da Vinci or Dalí. Some come in contact with entities who guide their hand and yet have never so much as sketched a stick figure, because they were trapped in a well, or wherever. If your little angel’s diabolical drawings could use some refinement, our “Kid in a Scary Movie” art class is for them.
Your child has vision. They see things others don’t. We recognize and nurture this gift/curse by teaching them how to bring their deathly vision to life. Lessons will be held on a variety of time-honored techniques, including shading, blending, stippling, pointillism, and chiaroscuro (emphasis on the “scuro”).
The class is led by an expert, a trained professional who was a young creepy artist themselves and lived to tell the tale. (Their parents did not survive, unfortunately. Maybe they would’ve if they’d signed their kid up for this!)
Unlike everyone else you’ve encountered lately, our teacher won’t be afraid to spend time in close proximity to your child. They’ll give them one-on-one attention to tailor the course to their unique talents. For example, if your budding maestro tends to haphazardly scratch a jumble of lines to signify the impending void that will soon swallow your family and spit you out into the pits of hell, we’ll instruct them on how to employ cross-hatching instead, for a bit more finesse.
We will cover all the fundamentals, from color and composition to bloodstain patterns and anatomy. Hands are challenging for a person of any age to draw, whether the appendage is attached or detached, but we’ll show your child how to accurately depict fingers wrapped around the handle of a knife, axe, bayonet, sickle, sword, scythe, or any other bladed instrument.
When their drawing portends the dark fate that will befall you, precision is key. After our course, you’ll never again question whether the demon coming for you tonight is going to have rakes for hands or just really long fingers.
Our room is fully stocked with premium supplies. The symbolism of blood is diminished when you can smell the cherry-scented Mr. Sketch marker from a mile away. Plus, the color fades. Our range of superior oil paints not only offers rich, unscented color, but unparalleled permanence. Far more permanent than, say, your stay in that house you just moved into.
At the end of the course, a showcase will be held in the basement of our facility to display the children’s best work. I’m proud to report that there was only one beheading at last year’s event, and boy did it look just like one of our brilliant students had drawn it.
With our class, your kid’s art will go from scary to scary good. Their work will foreshadow quite a future for them, and the rest of your family.
Instruction is designed for children between the ages of five and ten. Women in their thirties masquerading as nine-year-old orphan girls are also welcome, if they’re convincing.
The course takes place twice a week for five weeks and costs $349. (It’s non-refundable, like that former-crime-scene fixer-upper you sunk your life savings into.) Stop by to fill out the enrollment forms before or after your trip to the local library to research the history of your house with increasing panic.
If your child also happens to enjoy staring at a wall while humming nursery rhymes, consider enrolling them in our “Kid in a Scary Movie” music class. One, two, they’ll be coming for you, Broadway!