Hello reader, Nick Hilbourn here. As any of you who subscribe to my "Bible Verse an Hour" mailing list know, I go to house church. Not only do I go to house church on Sunday, but I also go on Wednesday as well.
Monday and Tuesday I camp out behind the church in my Coleman Silverton 250 Adult Mummy sleeping bag specially designed for sub-freezing temperatures.
On Thursday, in the comfort of my grandmother's living room, I toss my Holy Bible into the air and Instagram whatever verse it opens to.
On Friday, I eat ice cream and think about what a nice guy Jesus is.
Of course Atheists can have premarital sex, as long as both people have a promise ring and my stepdad doesn't find out.On Saturday I continue my New Year's Resolution to find the Hidden 11th Commandment by tirelessly scanning my Kindle version of the New King James Bible.
In other words, I'm doing my part.
But here's the deal: I began to notice that I was out of touch with the real struggles of today's world. Not just racial or religious strife. Let's be real about it. There are people out there, I hear, called Atheists. I called the pastor of my house church and mentioned this to him.
"Dad," I said (he's actually my stepdad), "we need to understand this untapped market for church membership."
As usual, my call was not returned. So, I did a little research on my own and found out that Atheism isn't that bad a religion. In fact, I realized it's just the spiritual jolt my church needs to get up and running.
"This is so stupid, you're not even my real dad."
This was the beginning of the Atheist Club I started as a small church study group. After every Wednesday night church, we gather together and study the Bible, looking for the Lord's words on Atheism. We look for definitions or examples of people being Atheists, or how Atheists dress, or what slang they use, or what contemporary Christian bands they listen to.
But our biggest project this year is a Christmas party.
And we're going BIG.
Past Christmas parties funded by the house church had themes such as "Dinner" and "Watching Netflix," but this year the Atheist Club is funding the party and the theme is… *drumroll* "Christmas"!
That's right!
The agenda is all set. Here's how it's going down:
1. Fashion Show
We'll start with a fashion show displaying cost-saving items to buy at Christmas time. Some of the ones I'll be putting up:
Double-Sagging Jeans
The latest trend in hip-hop is to have sagging jeans. But what happens when one of the idiot non-members of your church makes fun of your haircut AND pulls your pants down? You can have the last laugh when they realize that you're wearing a back-up pair of pants.
Plastic Finger Covers
Don't you hate it when the A key on your keyboard keeps sticking and you can't type the proper header for the Atheist newsletter? Or when you realize that there's honey under the S key again and you're going to have to figure out a different way to spell "Jesus"? These plastic finger covers are cut from the corners of mom's old Tupperware in the basement and render any sticky key helpless to your polyurethane-enforced fingers.
2. Wrapping Gifts
Next we'll wrap each other's gifts in some filthy liberal rag like The New York Times and then spray paint the newspaper red and green. I'm going to spray the two colors together to give my gift that extra Christmas shine!
3. Atheist Carols
After wrapping gifts, we'll go to the backyard and carry out the time-honored church tradition of burning effigies of all our neighbors who selfishly piggyback on our WiFi, while singing the official Atheist Club theme song:
Aaaa-theist Club
Aaaa-theist Club
All is calm, all is bright
Round our corner, cyber thieves
Holy infidels, quiver and leave
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
You're familiar with the tune I'm sure.
4. Atheism Q&A
Lastly, we'll finish off with a question-and-answer session about Atheism. Also sponsored by the Atheist Club.
For example, some common questions I believe people would ask me when they find out I'm an Atheist:
- What kind of music do you listen to?
- Can Atheists get tattoos?
- Can Atheists have premarital sex or say cuss words when they're upset?
Well, first off, Atheists can listen to any kind of music they want to as long as it is approved by the Atheist Club. Some favorites of ours are Bill Gaither, Raffy, and The Avett Brothers.
As far as getting tattoos, huge NO-NO. When you go to heaven, you don't want the Lord to look on your arms with consternation and say, "You look like Euro-Trash," or "I only have space for good, clean, God-fearing, lily-white skinned Atheists in my Sky Dome." So THERE.
As for premarital sex, well of course Atheists can have premarital sex, as long as both people have a promise ring and my stepdad doesn't find out.
When it comes to cussing, my PASTOR can shut the DAMN up because I don't give a HELL!
So drop on by, we'll have a blast! Let's celebrate a Christmas-themed Christmas together!
Hope to see you there!