ATTENTION! THIS IS A MEDICAL ALERT!
If you or a loved one has taken the drug Fenodoxline to treat any of your medical needs, and have been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, we would like to say that's a real bummer and we're sorry.
No really, this one is completely on us here, 100% our bad. Honestly, it was just a collectively shitty job on our end, pretty much from everyone involved. We fucked up, and we just wanted you to hear it from us first. So sorry.
According to the findings published in a prominent medical journal, as well as numerous one star Yelp reviews, this drug is "death in a bottle," "not even medicine," and "worse than getting knifed."
When we casually mentioned "Fenodoxline is so effective you might as well eat it like cereal with your morning vitamins," we didn't think anyone would take us seriously.
Again, real sorry guys. Here at DrugCo, we really got egg on our face, and would super appreciate it if you guys could give us a pass on this one. While we understand this is probably devastating to you, we want you to know that our level of sadness is pretty up there too.
Unfortunately, you've got, like, zero hope for legal compensation here. Turns out the only department really on their shit this time was legal, and we're covered like no one's business. Really, due to a binding legal agreement hidden in our drugs' information, it's no one's business, meaning you cannot tell anyone what these drugs did. In fact, by buying these drugs, you actually AGREED to receiving any sort of cancer we choose to give you. We recognize this is a real jerk move to pull here, but are really hoping you'll let this one slide.
We'd also like to apologize for using the slogan "Prescription strength without the prescription." Not only did it turn out that Fenodoxline is MUCH, MUCH MORE than prescription strength, but also that the idea of giving prescription medicine without a prescription is kind of dangerous, especially for how addictive this stuff turned out to be. Seriously, this is like black tar heroin that gives you cancer, and we're pretty beat up about it.
If you took Fenodoxline for depression, chances are you're going to get sadder. If you took Fenodoxline for foot cramps, there is a high chance you'll lose your hands. If you took Fenodoxline for stomach pain, it actually fixed that one, so congrats. However, that is most definitely just the cancer slowly shutting down your body, so sorry again.
I'm not really sure what we were thinking on this one, but no bad deed goes unpunished. Our marketing team has been given a VERY stern talking too, and Casual Fridays have been cancelled for a month. As for the Research and Safety Department, their pizza party has been postponed, and the pinball machine removed from the lab.
In conclusion, rough day all around. We advise that if you aren't already addicted to Fenodoxline, that you stop taking it immediately, and do not let it accidentally fall into any sort of water supply. If you are addicted, we advise that you just roll with it, and see what happens.
If you have any questions, you can call our legal team (1-800-0000), who will tell you to keep them to yourself.
Again, just a total bummer, and we owe you one.