Bernard knew he had skin cancer. He knew, for a fact, he didn't have that mole on his neck a couple of weeks ago.
Well, he was pretty sure he didn't.
But a couple of weeks earlier he was having stomach pains and was positive he had colon cancer, so he wasn't thinking about skin cancer then. Bernard knew colon cancer would kill him much faster than melanoma, especially if it spread to his lymph nodes.
Which he was sure it had.
But after checking 11 other websites he was confident it wasn't colon cancer; it was just gas. (Two other websites suggested Bernard refrain from eating one of his favorite foods, pepperoni pizza, as a bedtime snack.)
Okay, then.
If only the internet could get this close.
This mole was bigger than a pencil eraser. It was exactly what one melanoma website described as a killer mole. (Bernard wanted to laugh at "killer mole" because it reminded him of that irritating mole Bill Murray was chasing in Caddyshack. Or maybe it was a gopher. But since he was dying he didn't laugh.)
Bernard would have to get his affairs in order. (And, for Bernard, living alone in a studio over a Chinese deli, this wouldn't take long.)
But then he read on seven other websites where people, as they got older—and Bernard was 46—simply had more moles. It was part of the aging process… like losing 5% of his muscle mass every decade after the age of 30 (explaining why his triceps sagged), and his cartilage continuing to grow (explaining why his ears looked like cymbals). And some moles were brown, some were black, and some were bigger than pencil erasers.
Bernard felt relieved. He saw, at three of his favorite news sites, where Lindsay was out of rehab again and this was good. She was a fine actress. Bernard had downloaded Liz & Dick four times and laughed and laughed. While watching Lindsey the last time he felt his heart skip a beat, but knew he couldn't be in love.
Bernard also felt a weakness in his left arm and was short of breath. He was pretty sure he was having a cardiac event. (He always wondered why they called it an "event," like it was some kind of holiday sale at your local Toyota dealer.) Bernard also knew this "event" or atrial flutter could be life-threatening. (He wanted to laugh when he read "flutter" because it was one of those words that felt like it could almost tickle him. But since he might be dying he didn't laugh.)
He found six websites where he could draw up a will. Then he read on eight sites where a heart that skips a beat could be caused by earlier trauma, like being struck by lightning. Or by drinking too much coffee. Since Bernard never got out much (he was pretty sure he had a Vitamin D deficiency) he was sure it was the caffeine. And he probably felt short of breath because he was 65 pounds overweight.
So Bernard cut back on the caffeine, ate more greens, and got rid of one of his refrigerators. He felt much better and less diabetic.
Bernard worked out of his studio as a salesman selling time share appointments for the Hilton Vacation Club. He sometimes imagined himself traveling but he had questions. For instance, how would he travel?
After consulting 14 websites he concluded planes were just encapsulated Petri dishes of sick, contagious people, trains collided all the time (well, especially in India), and if he took a taxi he was afraid he'd end up in Mexico.
And where would he go?
After checking 23 websites for recommendations he concluded that the west had Hantavirus, the east had Lyme disease and the south had Paula Dean. And Africa really terrified Bernard.
One funny website said Hawaii gave its tourists leis and Africa opted for malaria. The country was rife with parasitic diseases like cholera, typhoid, and the Ebola virus. He thought massive bleeding from his orifices and death within 10 days was a pretty big risk just to see a giraffe in its natural habitat.
But Bernard wasn't stupid (he was Salesman of the Month in April!) and knew he had to make some dramatic life changes.
He perused 31 sites on self-improvement. Here was a gem from Tony Robbins: "Let fear be a counselor and not a jailer." And another from Dale Carnegie: "If you want to conquer fear, don't sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
Bernard couldn't remember the last time he got out and… well, did anything!
He checked five sites reviewing local restaurants and felt his stomach growl.
He checked another three sites for movie times and got excited. He didn't know the last time he saw a movie on a screen larger than 22 inches! Bernard couldn't wait to change his life!
Four days later Bernard died from colon cancer.