Webster's dictionary defines humor as “a normal functioning bodily semifluid or fluid,” and as editors, it has been our pleasure to fill the internet with many funny semifluids and fluids this year. And what a year it's been — we've published so many funny pieces, and it was a tough task to whittle down to just 15. One of the joys of being an editor is getting to read so much good and funny writing, and it was wonderful to go back through all of 2024's semifluids and pick out a few memorable ones to highlight.
Thanks for the laughs, and see you in 2025!
Phishing Scams That Would Work On Me
by Augusta Chapman | Jan 5, 2024
“Dear, it’s your favorite professor from college. I was just rereading your essays because they’re so smart and clearly the best of all the students (ever). I’d like to sell them as a book titled ‘Genius.' Download this PDF to read the first proof.”
This Obituary Does Not Give a Cause of Death, but Wouldn’t You Love to Know
by Tod Brubaker | Jan 13, 2024
“Ben was taken from us too soon. 59 isn’t exactly young-young, but it’s not so old that age could have been a factor. So cross shingles off the list.”
You Shouldn't Have Messed with a Philosopher, and I'll Prove It from First Principles
by Lillie Franks | Jan 15, 2024
“That’s right, I’d be afraid if I were you too. Afraid of having my actions held up to intellectually rigorous ethical scrutiny! Well, bad news, buddy, because that’s just what you’re about to get!”
Five Turtles You Saved to Get into College and the Spine-Chilling Deaths They've Died Since
by Youmna Chamieh | Feb 5, 2024
“Saving Doris confirmed your passion for your father's passion for bond yields. Heck, in some ways, it was Doris that saved you. ”
How to Do the Perfect Squat
by Tom Ellison and Lillian Stone | Feb 26, 2024
“Popular squat varietals include Back Squats, Front Squats, and Boot Cut.
Fun fact: Squats were key to building the eye-popping physique of Downton Abbey heartthrob Maggie Smith.”
Help, It’s Your King! I’m Trapped and Will Surely Burn Alive Unless You Download This Mobile Game and Match Blocks by Similar Color and Shape!
by Logan Corcoran | Apr 23, 2024
“Help! Please don't click the ‘skip' button just yet! I'm terribly sorry to interrupt your viewing of the video ‘LOUDEST GRUNTS IN WOMEN'S TENNIS VOL 6,' but I desperately need your help!”
Our Neighborhood Watch Is Just a Guy Holding a Plastic Bag Watching Women Parallel Park
by Heidi Lux | May 2, 2024
“Every time a woman enters our neighborhood and then attempts to back into a parking spot, we dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.”
Sherlock Holmes, Observational Comic
by Alan Johnson | Jul 5, 2024
“Who here is from out of town? I’ll tell you. This man is from Lewiston, Idaho. This woman was born in Texas, but raised in New Mexico. And this guy in the Ed Hardy shirt? He’s from 2010! I jest, he’s from Bergen, Norway.”
Corrections to Last Week's Guided Meditation
by David Guzman | Jul 10 , 2024
“For one of the times when I said exhale, I meant inhale. I did not mean to instruct you to do double exhales. Please take an extra inhalation now to reset your breaths.”
I’m the Conductor Yelling “Alllllll Aboard” at the Train Station and I Love Watching You Kiss
by R.J. Kushner | Jul 16, 2024
“I’m fairly busy myself, trying to collect tickets and get this train a-movin’. But I always manage to spot you embracing on the platform. And I always like what I see.”
The Thing About My Non-Committal Boyfriend Is That He Was Hurt in a Previous Relationship Also He Can’t Close His Eyes Completely like a Furby
by Tessia Phillips | Sep 18, 2024
“Again, he CAN blink, it is a blink, it just doesn’t look like how you and I blink, but it is technically blinking and it serves the same purpose for him physiologically.”
What My Next Week Would Have to Look Like for This Swiss Army Knife Purchase to Be Worth It
by Jordan De Padova and Dan Gutenberg | Oct 8, 2024
“I apply to, interview for, and begin an apprenticeship as an electrician. As I use the wire stripper to repair the city’s electrical lines, a tree falls, pinning my leg under its trunk. I use the wood saw to free myself. I then whittle the fallen log into a tasteful mid-century modern footstool with the carving knife.”
You're Caught in a Bear Trap? I'm Not Falling for That Again
by Erin Ross | Oct 23, 2024
“I’m sure you were hoping I’d say something like that, but I’m not a sucker. ‘I am caught in this bear trap and I’m in grave danger' is one of the oldest tricks in the book. That’s right up there with ‘Don’t I know you from somewhere?' Nice try buddy, but this old ruse is exactly how I met my ex.”
You Thought I Was Just Some Dad, Until I Did One Bad Pull-Up on These Monkey Bars
by DC Pierson | Oct 30, 2024
“Now you’re thinking, ‘Wait, is that kid’s sexy childless uncle visiting from somewhere cool like Denmark?' But no, I’m not in the states promoting the English translation of a novel called ‘The Most Reciprocal Lover in Copenhagen.' I’ve been in your neighborhood the whole time, showing my allyship to the non-binary punks at the coffee shop by telling them stories about CBGBs they didn’t ask for and aren’t listening to.”
My Client Would Never Rob a “Noodles & Company”
by Tyler Gooch | Nov 7, 2024
“You can’t lock a man up for stealing pasta just because he has long, thin, pasta-colored, angel hair, a bow tie around his neck, a spine curved like a tortellini, and several bits of chewed-up linguine currently in his mustache.”