"It's BeYOND B-O!"
-Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4, Episode 21 "The Smelly Car"
Your buddy stinks, you tell him explicitly how much he reeks, and you explain to him how you're about to toss your lunch if he doesn't leave the room and do something about it. To your surprise, he doesn't get defensive in the slightest, and actually obliges. He leaves the area, and even heads home to take a shower. In most cases, it's problem identified, problem solved.
But not this time.
This time this reliable tactic does nothing to remedy the problem. Even though he is long gone, he has left behind a far-from-innocuous remnant of the nasty throbbing stench that sparked his exodus in the first place.
It stinks, it stays, and it survives and thrives after multiple rounds of Febreezing. It is the putrid poltergeist, and it is inexorable.He's well out of your driveway, but the smell of the air has not changed. How can this be explained? It's been too long since he left for him to have effectively crop-dusted. He's too far away to convey his smell through a suitable medium. And the rest of your posse has come clean under Man Oath that they have not committed coattail flatulence.
This leaves us with only one conclusion. There can only be one answer as to how your recently departed friend left behind such a disgusting embodiment of his former funk. Stop looking for that dead carcass. This smell has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt to belong to him, and it has been imparted without visual evidence. At this point, with all spiritual beliefs put aside, it is evidently obvious that your disgusting friend has just left behind an "Exosmeleton."
This is a gift without grace, a disturbing smell without a face, an entity that smells like it sounds and smells like it's spelled. The Exosmeleton: a molted layer of body odor that embeds itself into any and all fabric hosts.
It's gonna take more than a cheese grater and a Halloween mask to cover up this odor offender.This odious artifact is fast and it is furious. It's vomit-inducing, yet tangy. And above all else, it's a sharp shock to the olfactory system. It stinks, it stays, and it survives and thrives after multiple rounds of Febreezing. It is the putrid poltergeist, and it is inexorable.
Science and common sense in 2012 have led us to believe that humans only molt hair and that snakes molt flesh. But science couldn't have hypothesized this, and common sense couldn't have seen this coming. With the arrival of the Exosmeleton, we can kiss goodbye the effect of lighting a Yankee Candle. We can say "see you later" to Glade Plug-Ins, and we can bet our sorry asses that scented oil diffusers aren't going to help one bit either. Our previous efforts to emulsify stink have been rendered ineffectual, and our nostrils are going to be shocked to the depths of their receptors.
The 1930's had the Depression, the 1940's had World War II, the 1980's had massive spikes in oil price, and now the 2010's have their very own crisis….
Separating the stink from your furniture fabric will be like surgically dividing Siamese twins. The pleather/microfiber and Exosmeleton duo will have become a single entity of gruesome fusion within seconds of introduction, and although they are obviously dis"stink"t, they cannot be torn apart unless intervened upon by the most talented of professionals.
This is a problem that is unable to be solved reactively. This is a problem that must be tackled proactively and in great numbers. By a team that will lay it all on the line…
This is a job for the Stink Squad.
If only such a thing existed.