Robert Kardashian
4628 Hollywood Blvd
Suite A
Hollywood, CA 90027
Mr. Kardashian:
I am writing to inform you of a wonderful investment opportunity.
There is no doubt that the economy is in a slump. Our experts predict that the worst is far from over for most Americans. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, for those that take advantage of our newest endeavor. In fact, experts say that the return could be as high as 300% percent. With numbers like that, how can one look their family in the eye and admit that they passed up this awesome opportunity?
So what is this idea, you might be asking yourself? Well in plain language, we (the investors) wish to broadcast the death penalty on television. This will not be done to deter crime (it's been proven that the death penalty has almost no effect on crime rates), but to provide the highest quality entertainment for our viewers.
History proved that it is possible to fill a coliseum full of people screaming for blood. So it is with that in mind that we will be launching a channel on DirecTV next year. To reach the maximum amount of people, a simulcast will air online.
The State of Florida has already agreed to supply an unlimited amount of death row inmates, for a nominal fee.
Sleep tight, and LET THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN (all capitals)!Premium programming will be a hallmark of the Capital Punishment Network. A number of different shows will cater to a vast audience. For lovers of nature documentaries, The Wild will be hard to pass up. A man is stripped of all his clothes and his body is covered in honey. He is then given a Swiss Army knife and a stick of dynamite, NOTHING ELSE. A plane air drops him in the middle of northern Alaska where he must fend off bears and Sarah Palin's moose hunting trips.
Medical makeover shows in recent years have become some of the top watched programming. Not to be outdone, CPN will debut Radical Makeover, an interactive, first-of-its-kind show. We take this guy and strap him to a chair and then the audience votes via text message what will happen to him. Will he be castrated with a Coke bottle or have his foot surgically placed in his mouth?
America loves sports, and CPN will produce sporting events never before seen on American television. A recent trip to Japan inspired me to bring Steel Caged Death Matches to the homeland. The details are still being worked out, but just imagine, Scott Peterson vs. Ted Kaczynski exchanging blows in a steel cage; Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer vs. Mark David Chapman and John Wayne Gacy in a tag team match all in front of a live, paying, studio audience.
An investment in CPN is not just a highly profitable investment in a well-respected company, it is an investment in America. Thousands of new jobs will be created. Construction workers will be employed to build a new high definition television studio with a 15,000 seat arena to host sports, concerts, and presidential debates. New blue collar jobs will be generated to service the parking lot and work inside the arena selling mini hot dogs and cleaning toilets. Executive jobs will open up for a select few to make the big decisions that will take CPN to the top of the Forbes's 500 most wealthiest companies.
But how exactly do we plan to make such a tremendous profit? This is my favorite thing to talk about because this is where you learn how we can help you. Obviously we would generate revenue through commercials and sponsors. Personal “Seat Licenses” would pay for the arena costs. Every year following, season tickets will be sold and luxury boxes will be made available. Also, DVD box sets, action figures, customizable coffins, coffee cups, temporary tattoos, video games, a phone sex service, clothing, window treatments, flavored bottled water, adult novelties, fruit snacks, cleaning products, books, bedding, an online gambling service, a travel agency, television sets, night vision goggles, Halloween customs, flashlights, napkins, popcorn, blenders, and a variety of other products will be branded under the CPN name and released to the public through our website and all major retailers like Wal-Mart, Target, and Macy's, as well as Amazon.com. They will be cheaply made and very expensive. We will continue the tradition of big business by cheating on taxes and paying lower level employees unfair wages. This is done to make you more money and I know you understand.
The time to act is now, don't delay. If you have any questions or concerns please give me a call.
Sincerely,
Kenneth J. Striker
President, Capital Punishment Network
503 Desolation Row
Suite 2B
Truth or Consequences, NM 87901
Phone (505) 556-1495
Fax (505) 556-6729
[email protected]